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I will never understand how a mother can kill her own baby and not get away with it.

Anthony Jeselnik

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Anthony Jeselnik
Age: 45
Born: 1978
Born: December 22
Comedian
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
Kill
Baby
Understand
Away
Mother
Never

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I think brilliant stuff comes out of working with limitations. One liners are very limiting, but that's what drew me to them in the first place.
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God, that Anthony Jeselnik Show sounds really funny.
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Everyone gets laid off and everyone in Hollywood gets unemployment for six months while they're looking for a new job. So I would just do stand-up for six months and think I was really making it, and when my unemployment ran out, I had to get another job immediately.
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I like to read, but otherwise I'm just your average, self-obsessed comedian. It's pretty much all I think about.
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When I die, I want to be cremated with everybody.
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I'm very arrogant and mean. I'm almost like a bad guy professional wrestler.
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The true meaning of Christmas is actually centuries of gullibility.
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I feel like every first episode of a TV show is bad, you know, and it always improves.
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It's always difficult when someone close to you passes away. But it's really tough when they're on top of you.
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I would love to DJ the royal wedding. Just so I could play Candle in the Wind non-stop.
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Every Sunday my dad calls to ask if I went to church. And every Sunday I lie and say: Sorry. Wrong Number.
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Sure, my uncle killed himself playing Russian Roulette. But I choose to remember him as a great Russian Roulette player.
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I come up with my jokes by thinking of a topic.
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I can drink like a fish, or at least, someone born with fetal alcohol syndrome.
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I had to break up with my last girlfriend for lying about being raped by her neighbor. But I've met her neighbor, he's a cool guy. Not like her other creepy ass neighbor though.
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I’m not a religious person I would call myself an atheist. I don’t have a good story behind it, I’m just reasonable.
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I tell very mean jokes.
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Disasters are funny to me. As a comedian you learn from failure, so I'm always trying to put myself in a situation that does not seem ideal for my comedy and see how it works.
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My girlfriend wants an open relationship. I said no way. What kind of man would I be if I had to tell my friends I date you?
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When my girlfriend cooks dinner, I'm happy to do the dishes. Because I make her wash dishes when I take her to a restaurant.
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