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I will never understand how a mother can kill her own baby and not get away with it.

Anthony Jeselnik

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Anthony Jeselnik
Age: 46
Born: 1978
Born: December 22
Comedian
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
Mother
Never
Kill
Baby
Understand
Away

More quotes by Anthony Jeselnik

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Perhaps I'm being too optimistic, but I think this country is finally ready for a black serial killer.
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When I was seven, I broke my leg playing soccer. Just to feel something.
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I let a friend set me up on a blind date. It was a disaster. She ended up being a burn victim. By the end of the night.
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My dad was amazing. He raised five boys. All by himself. Without the rest of us knowing.
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You know how everybody has that one weird creepy uncle? Well, Seth Green looks like he got raped by all of them.
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I'm interested in doing some acting in the future, but it's a distant second to stand up.
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A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.'
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If I tell a joke on stage and the crowd laughs for a minute, I stand there for a minute and enjoy them laughing before I go on to the next joke. On TV, if I stand there for a minute while they laugh, I look like an idiot who can't remember the next joke.
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Tom Cruise's pre-nup lets him keep his money, the kids and Katie Holmes.
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In comedy, I hate that cop-out where you say, Just kidding. I know you're just kidding. Don't insult my intelligence by spelling it out for me that much.
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I do dark [humor]. I like people who are silly and weird and people who are surprising and good at what they do.
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I love anyone who surprises me and makes me laugh.
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I love Austin, but last time I was in town for twelve hours. I was exhausted, drunk and miserable. But none of that was Austin's fault.
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My favorite sport is football. I'm a die hard Steelers fan. Favorite players were Hines Ward and Greg Lloyd.
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I loved Stephen Wright, and I loved Mitch Hedberg, but they seemed like geniuses you could never emulate. You'd just be ripping them off.
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Katey Sagal, you are an incredible actress. You worked on ‘Married with Children,’ the show that changed comedy, ‘Sons of Anarchy,’ the show that took comedy to a whole new level and ‘8 Simple Rules,’ the show that killed John Ritter.
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My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom's funeral, while I was asleep.
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I would write 100 jokes a day. Most of them were terrible. But I just said, 'I'll write more than everybody else, and that's how I'll get better.'
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I like the idea of being the funny guy in the dramatic thing, playing a hit man with a weird sense of humor.
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I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.
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