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I will never understand how a mother can kill her own baby and not get away with it.

Anthony Jeselnik

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Anthony Jeselnik
Age: 45
Born: 1978
Born: December 22
Comedian
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
Kill
Baby
Understand
Away
Mother
Never

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Disasters are funny to me. As a comedian you learn from failure, so I'm always trying to put myself in a situation that does not seem ideal for my comedy and see how it works.
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Todd Glass has amazing energy on stage. Dave Attell is one of my favorites because he's a one liner comic who is always incredibly in the moment with the audience. As for newer people, I think Adrienne Iapalucci writes some great, dark jokes and Sean Patton has a hilarious voice on stage.
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I have a rare form of body dysmorphia in which I absolutely can't stand how good I look.
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I do dark [humor]. I like people who are silly and weird and people who are surprising and good at what they do.
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It's impossible for me to hear the words quadruple murder suicide without thinking of my grandparents.
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A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.'
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People are surprised that I'm nice and it helps me out a little bit it's easy to be nice when everyone thinks you're going to be a jerk but if people think you're a nice guy then it's tough because it's what they expect.
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Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.
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You look like you deep fry your hands before you bite your fingernails.
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When my girlfriend cooks dinner, I'm happy to do the dishes. Because I make her wash dishes when I take her to a restaurant.
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The true meaning of Christmas is actually centuries of gullibility.
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I’m not a religious person I would call myself an atheist. I don’t have a good story behind it, I’m just reasonable.
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Tom Cruise's pre-nup lets him keep his money, the kids and Katie Holmes.
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I was always fascinated by forbidden things people didn't want to talk about, like death.
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I tell very mean jokes.
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People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.
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Perhaps I'm being too optimistic, but I think this country is finally ready for a black serial killer.
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I was a terrible employee. I've been fired from almost every job I've ever had, luckily, in a good way, or else I'd be stuck. I would always joke around with everybody, and no one enjoyed my humor.
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I'll be very busy, which is all I need.
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Every comic went through their Mitch Hedberg phase - the glasses, the hair in the face - and you knew immediately when they were doing it.
Anthony Jeselnik