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When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat guy.
Anthony Jeselnik
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Anthony Jeselnik
Age: 46
Born: 1978
Born: December 22
Comedian
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
Glasses
Cat
Older
Guy
Littles
Magnifying
Little
Ants
Would
Burn
Glass
More quotes by Anthony Jeselnik
I will never understand how a mother can kill her own baby and not get away with it.
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You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub... and you definitely don't know anything about how to wash a baby.
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Sure, my uncle killed himself playing Russian Roulette. But I choose to remember him as a great Russian Roulette player.
Anthony Jeselnik
It's always difficult when someone close to you passes away. But it's really tough when they're on top of you.
Anthony Jeselnik
I spent all night feeding the homeless to dogs.
Anthony Jeselnik
I love Austin, but last time I was in town for twelve hours. I was exhausted, drunk and miserable. But none of that was Austin's fault.
Anthony Jeselnik
It's impossible for me to hear the words quadruple murder suicide without thinking of my grandparents.
Anthony Jeselnik
I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.
Anthony Jeselnik
If I tell a joke on stage and the crowd laughs for a minute, I stand there for a minute and enjoy them laughing before I go on to the next joke. On TV, if I stand there for a minute while they laugh, I look like an idiot who can't remember the next joke.
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When I die, I want to be cremated with everybody.
Anthony Jeselnik
2010 has been awesome. I got to write on the David Hasselhoff Roast this summer, and that's always been a dream.
Anthony Jeselnik
In comedy, I hate that cop-out where you say, Just kidding. I know you're just kidding. Don't insult my intelligence by spelling it out for me that much.
Anthony Jeselnik
Tom Cruise's pre-nup lets him keep his money, the kids and Katie Holmes.
Anthony Jeselnik
Father's Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all the time.
Anthony Jeselnik
Im not the voice of reason Im more the guy using these offensive topics as fodder to raise tension in a joke.
Anthony Jeselnik
I think some people just don't know that much about comedy. It would be like a person who didn't know anything about football thinking all offensive linemen are the same.
Anthony Jeselnik
Do whatever you want to do, whenever you want to do it
Anthony Jeselnik
On the show, you have to be more charismatic, a little smoother, but I think I can still be that prince of darkness. You just have to learn the tricks of the TV trade as well.
Anthony Jeselnik
I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can't even enjoy it.
Anthony Jeselnik
I was a terrible employee. I've been fired from almost every job I've ever had, luckily, in a good way, or else I'd be stuck. I would always joke around with everybody, and no one enjoyed my humor.
Anthony Jeselnik
