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You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.
Anthony Jeselnik
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Anthony Jeselnik
Age: 45
Born: 1978
Born: December 22
Comedian
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
Six
Weapons
Cold
Dead
Year
Hands
Assault
Years
Weapon
Curious
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I'll be very busy, which is all I need.
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I enjoyed writing for someone elses voice, but I wasnt very good at it.
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I tell very mean jokes.
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I loved Stephen Wright, and I loved Mitch Hedberg, but they seemed like geniuses you could never emulate. You'd just be ripping them off.
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An offended audience member repeating a comedian's act from memory is worse than, literally, anything.
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I think the reason I became funny was because if I made people laugh, they would let me keep talking.
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My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend.
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You know how everybody has that one weird creepy uncle? Well, Seth Green looks like he got raped by all of them.
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Racist dermatologists think all black people have really bad skin.
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It's always difficult when someone close to you passes away. But it's really tough when they're on top of you.
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My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know? Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black - that way, when I found out he didn't exist, it wouldn't be that big a let down.
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I love anyone who surprises me and makes me laugh.
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Silence means they [the audience] are paying attention. Even if I drop bombs and they're dead quiet, it's still okay. If they start talking, that's when you've lost them.
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Do whatever you want to do, whenever you want to do it
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I know her in the biblical senseand when I say that, I mean I don't believe a word she says.
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Wayne Brady, I don’t understand why people keep joking that you’re not black. Wayne Brady, you are BLACK. After all, I only remember you for all the years you played an uppity slave on ‘Who’s Line is it Anyway?’.
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My mom's been having a hard time lately. She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed - if she's ever going to be good at golf.
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I've got a long history of suicid in my family the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.
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I think my friend Jeff is gay. I don't know - I'm so bad with names.
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You look like you deep fry your hands before you bite your fingernails.
Anthony Jeselnik