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You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.
Anthony Jeselnik
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Anthony Jeselnik
Age: 46
Born: 1978
Born: December 22
Comedian
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
Cold
Dead
Year
Hands
Assault
Years
Weapon
Curious
Six
Weapons
More quotes by Anthony Jeselnik
My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.
Anthony Jeselnik
Perhaps I'm being too optimistic, but I think this country is finally ready for a black serial killer.
Anthony Jeselnik
I killed a squirrel once with a car. Twice with a tennis racket.
Anthony Jeselnik
Halloween is just a made up holiday, created by the razor blade industry.
Anthony Jeselnik
I love Pittsburgh. Most of my family still lives there and I try to get back a couple of times a year.
Anthony Jeselnik
What do I care if someone doesn't like me. If I like someone other people hate, it makes me feel special. I think my fans feel that way.
Anthony Jeselnik
When I die, I want to be cremated with everybody.
Anthony Jeselnik
I had a happy childhood in a nice suburban area, pretty idyllic, upper middle class and very, very white. My dad is an attorney. My mother is a housewife. They had five kids in seven years: me, my brother, and three sisters. I'm the oldest. We were all very active. My mother was exhausted.
Anthony Jeselnik
My first time on stage was the class graduation at the Comedy Store. It was awesome. Everything got huge laughs and I just thought I knew how to do comedy.
Anthony Jeselnik
I'm interested in doing some acting in the future, but it's a distant second to stand up.
Anthony Jeselnik
I've got a long history of suicid in my family the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.
Anthony Jeselnik
I hated my mom for not letting me play football as a kid. So when I have kids someday, I guarantee they'll never meet their grandmother.
Anthony Jeselnik
My sister is going to have a simple wedding. Just immediate family. And whoever the hell would want to marry her.
Anthony Jeselnik
When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat guy.
Anthony Jeselnik
I tell very mean jokes.
Anthony Jeselnik
I'm a comedian and there are a lot of things I'm still learning. I love one liners because I love smart jokes. I also don't like complaining about society or whining about my life on stage.
Anthony Jeselnik
I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can't even enjoy it.
Anthony Jeselnik
Sure, my uncle killed himself playing Russian Roulette. But I choose to remember him as a great Russian Roulette player.
Anthony Jeselnik
I think my friend Jeff is gay. I don't know - I'm so bad with names.
Anthony Jeselnik
I'm really proud of the album. It's something I always wanted to do but I had to wait until I was ready. Shakespeare is a culmination of eight years of stand up experience and joke writing. I recorded two shows at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre in New York. The crowds were great and that's what really makes an album.
Anthony Jeselnik
