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People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

Anthony Jeselnik

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Anthony Jeselnik
Age: 46
Born: 1978
Born: December 22
Comedian
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
Explain
Fun
Easy
Really
Make
People
Retarded

More quotes by Anthony Jeselnik

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My ultimate goal is to do whatever I want, whenever I want to do it. And that keeps changing. I didn't want to host my own show until I wrote for someone else's.
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A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.'
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I enjoyed writing for someone elses voice, but I wasnt very good at it.
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I'm fascinated by offensive subject matter. Always have been. It is very natural to me, as any teach I've ever had growing up could attest.
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When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat guy.
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I will never understand how a mother can kill her own baby and not get away with it.
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I guess I prefer the laughs. I couldn't do a whole set of just shocks, but I like throwing a fastball inside every now and then to keep people on their toes.
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I like the idea of being the funny guy in the dramatic thing, playing a hit man with a weird sense of humor.
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People are surprised that I'm nice and it helps me out a little bit it's easy to be nice when everyone thinks you're going to be a jerk but if people think you're a nice guy then it's tough because it's what they expect.
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My girlfriend wants an open relationship. I said no way. What kind of man would I be if I had to tell my friends I date you?
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Halloween is just a made up holiday, created by the razor blade industry.
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2010 has been awesome. I got to write on the David Hasselhoff Roast this summer, and that's always been a dream.
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It's impossible for me to hear the words quadruple murder suicide without thinking of my grandparents.
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I had written for Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman in the past. Jimmy had a different voice, and different priorities. He couldnt be the bad guy in the joke he couldnt upset people, really.
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I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.
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Father's Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all the time.
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I had to break up with my last girlfriend for lying about being raped by her neighbor. But I've met her neighbor, he's a cool guy. Not like her other creepy ass neighbor though.
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I think some people just don't know that much about comedy. It would be like a person who didn't know anything about football thinking all offensive linemen are the same.
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When my girlfriend cooks dinner, I'm happy to do the dishes. Because I make her wash dishes when I take her to a restaurant.
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I spent all night feeding the homeless to dogs.
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