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People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

Anthony Jeselnik

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Anthony Jeselnik
Age: 45
Born: 1978
Born: December 22
Comedian
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
Fun
Easy
Really
Make
People
Retarded
Explain

More quotes by Anthony Jeselnik

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I do dark [humor]. I like people who are silly and weird and people who are surprising and good at what they do.
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My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend.
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I love Austin, but last time I was in town for twelve hours. I was exhausted, drunk and miserable. But none of that was Austin's fault.
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Im not the voice of reason Im more the guy using these offensive topics as fodder to raise tension in a joke.
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I like the idea of being the funny guy in the dramatic thing, playing a hit man with a weird sense of humor.
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Father's Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all the time.
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I'm not a comedy writer, I'm a comedian, so I only write stuff that I would want to say.
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What do I care if someone doesn't like me. If I like someone other people hate, it makes me feel special. I think my fans feel that way.
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I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.
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I think my friends wife has been banging a black guy. Because they just had a baby. And the baby had a hole in it.
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I was raised Catholic. I rejected it later on. I'm an outspoken atheist now. People say, 'Oh, it's a negative thing to be an atheist.' I don't agree. I think it's more optimistic to think that there is no God, no afterlife.
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If I tell a joke on stage and the crowd laughs for a minute, I stand there for a minute and enjoy them laughing before I go on to the next joke. On TV, if I stand there for a minute while they laugh, I look like an idiot who can't remember the next joke.
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My dad was amazing. He raised five boys. All by himself. Without the rest of us knowing.
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You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub... and you definitely don't know anything about how to wash a baby.
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I love anyone who surprises me and makes me laugh.
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Every year I volunteer at a hospital on Thanksgiving, deep-frying turkeys in the children's burn unit. I do it just to see the looks on their little faces.
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Halloween is just a made up holiday, created by the razor blade industry.
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I don't think Metallica sits around all day wondering why country music fans don't embrace them.
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You know how everybody has that one weird creepy uncle? Well, Seth Green looks like he got raped by all of them.
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You look like you deep fry your hands before you bite your fingernails.
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