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You look like you deep fry your hands before you bite your fingernails.
Anthony Jeselnik
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Anthony Jeselnik
Age: 45
Born: 1978
Born: December 22
Comedian
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
Look
Looks
Like
Fingernails
Bite
Bites
Deep
Hands
More quotes by Anthony Jeselnik
I'm not a comedy writer, I'm a comedian, so I only write stuff that I would want to say.
Anthony Jeselnik
I wish my family had taken more pictures when I was growing up. Instead of always having to draw everything.
Anthony Jeselnik
I think some people just don't know that much about comedy. It would be like a person who didn't know anything about football thinking all offensive linemen are the same.
Anthony Jeselnik
Todd Glass has amazing energy on stage. Dave Attell is one of my favorites because he's a one liner comic who is always incredibly in the moment with the audience. As for newer people, I think Adrienne Iapalucci writes some great, dark jokes and Sean Patton has a hilarious voice on stage.
Anthony Jeselnik
The true meaning of Christmas is actually centuries of gullibility.
Anthony Jeselnik
My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend.
Anthony Jeselnik
I'm really proud of the album. It's something I always wanted to do but I had to wait until I was ready. Shakespeare is a culmination of eight years of stand up experience and joke writing. I recorded two shows at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre in New York. The crowds were great and that's what really makes an album.
Anthony Jeselnik
I can drink like a fish, or at least, someone born with fetal alcohol syndrome.
Anthony Jeselnik
It's impossible for me to hear the words quadruple murder suicide without thinking of my grandparents.
Anthony Jeselnik
Father's Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all the time.
Anthony Jeselnik
I let a friend set me up on a blind date. It was a disaster. She ended up being a burn victim. By the end of the night.
Anthony Jeselnik
In comedy, I hate that cop-out where you say, Just kidding. I know you're just kidding. Don't insult my intelligence by spelling it out for me that much.
Anthony Jeselnik
I love Pittsburgh. Most of my family still lives there and I try to get back a couple of times a year.
Anthony Jeselnik
When I die, I want to be cremated with everybody.
Anthony Jeselnik
I'll be very busy, which is all I need.
Anthony Jeselnik
I try to write three jokes every morning, although I don't know what they are. I write them as fast as I can, then I put them away for a month. So I couldn't even tell you what they are, or if they're good. I just assume they weren't.
Anthony Jeselnik
I think the reason I became funny was because if I made people laugh, they would let me keep talking.
Anthony Jeselnik
I hated my mom for not letting me play football as a kid. So when I have kids someday, I guarantee they'll never meet their grandmother.
Anthony Jeselnik
Katey Sagal, you are an incredible actress. You worked on ‘Married with Children,’ the show that changed comedy, ‘Sons of Anarchy,’ the show that took comedy to a whole new level and ‘8 Simple Rules,’ the show that killed John Ritter.
Anthony Jeselnik
I tell very mean jokes.
Anthony Jeselnik