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Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.

Anthony Jeselnik

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Anthony Jeselnik
Age: 45
Born: 1978
Born: December 22
Comedian
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
Funny
Doctor
Kids
Doctors
Take
Gonna
Asked
Second
Humor
Told
Hospital
Opinion
Hospitals

More quotes by Anthony Jeselnik

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I don't think Metallica sits around all day wondering why country music fans don't embrace them.
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My favorite sport is football. I'm a die hard Steelers fan. Favorite players were Hines Ward and Greg Lloyd.
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I will never understand how a mother can kill her own baby and not get away with it.
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I was always cutting words. I even would write my jokes in my notebook. I still do this, almost like a poem.
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I've got a long history of suicid in my family the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.
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My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend.
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I loved Stephen Wright, and I loved Mitch Hedberg, but they seemed like geniuses you could never emulate. You'd just be ripping them off.
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It seemed fun to play a villain on stage and I wanted my jokes to be so good that I could just calmly tell them on stage.
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Comedy Central made me delete the Boston Marathon joke. I wasn't happy about it but, despite popular belief, I can occasionally be a team player.
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Disgusting. I just found my grandpa's Viagra. I swear, I almost puked from eating so many.
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God, that Anthony Jeselnik Show sounds really funny.
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You know how everybody has that one weird creepy uncle? Well, Seth Green looks like he got raped by all of them.
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You look like you deep fry your hands before you bite your fingernails.
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My dad was amazing. He raised five boys. All by himself. Without the rest of us knowing.
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My girlfriend wants an open relationship. I said no way. What kind of man would I be if I had to tell my friends I date you?
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I love Pittsburgh. Most of my family still lives there and I try to get back a couple of times a year.
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I have a rare form of body dysmorphia in which I absolutely can't stand how good I look.
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I think my friends wife has been banging a black guy. Because they just had a baby. And the baby had a hole in it.
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My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident. Devastating. I can't believe I'm only going to have sex with her one more time.
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Disasters are funny to me. As a comedian you learn from failure, so I'm always trying to put myself in a situation that does not seem ideal for my comedy and see how it works.
Anthony Jeselnik