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Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.
Anthony Jeselnik
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Anthony Jeselnik
Age: 45
Born: 1978
Born: December 22
Comedian
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
Terms
Humor
Term
Jesus
Funny
Crucified
Mean
Buddha
Think
Smarter
Thinking
Letting
More quotes by Anthony Jeselnik
My first time on stage was the class graduation at the Comedy Store. It was awesome. Everything got huge laughs and I just thought I knew how to do comedy.
Anthony Jeselnik
I spent all night feeding the homeless to dogs.
Anthony Jeselnik
I'm fascinated by offensive subject matter. Always have been. It is very natural to me, as any teach I've ever had growing up could attest.
Anthony Jeselnik
Wayne Brady, I don’t understand why people keep joking that you’re not black. Wayne Brady, you are BLACK. After all, I only remember you for all the years you played an uppity slave on ‘Who’s Line is it Anyway?’.
Anthony Jeselnik
What do I care if someone doesn't like me. If I like someone other people hate, it makes me feel special. I think my fans feel that way.
Anthony Jeselnik
Disgusting. I just found my grandpa's Viagra. I swear, I almost puked from eating so many.
Anthony Jeselnik
I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.
Anthony Jeselnik
I come up with my jokes by thinking of a topic.
Anthony Jeselnik
Disasters are funny to me. As a comedian you learn from failure, so I'm always trying to put myself in a situation that does not seem ideal for my comedy and see how it works.
Anthony Jeselnik
Racist dermatologists think all black people have really bad skin.
Anthony Jeselnik
I've got a long history of suicid in my family the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.
Anthony Jeselnik
I would love to DJ the royal wedding. Just so I could play Candle in the Wind non-stop.
Anthony Jeselnik
The true meaning of Christmas is actually centuries of gullibility.
Anthony Jeselnik
When I die, I want to be cremated with everybody.
Anthony Jeselnik
People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.
Anthony Jeselnik
I can drink like a fish, or at least, someone born with fetal alcohol syndrome.
Anthony Jeselnik
I love Pittsburgh. Most of my family still lives there and I try to get back a couple of times a year.
Anthony Jeselnik
You know how everybody has that one weird creepy uncle? Well, Seth Green looks like he got raped by all of them.
Anthony Jeselnik
I was a terrible employee. I've been fired from almost every job I've ever had, luckily, in a good way, or else I'd be stuck. I would always joke around with everybody, and no one enjoyed my humor.
Anthony Jeselnik
It's impossible for me to hear the words quadruple murder suicide without thinking of my grandparents.
Anthony Jeselnik