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My mom's been having a hard time lately. She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed - if she's ever going to be good at golf.

Anthony Jeselnik

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Anthony Jeselnik
Age: 45
Born: 1978
Born: December 22
Comedian
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
Good
Mom
Time
Golf
Humor
Funny
Found
Ever
Lately
Hard
Removed
Going
Breasts

More quotes by Anthony Jeselnik

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On the show, you have to be more charismatic, a little smoother, but I think I can still be that prince of darkness. You just have to learn the tricks of the TV trade as well.
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Father's Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all the time.
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When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat guy.
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God, that Anthony Jeselnik Show sounds really funny.
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When I was seven, I broke my leg playing soccer. Just to feel something.
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In comedy, I hate that cop-out where you say, Just kidding. I know you're just kidding. Don't insult my intelligence by spelling it out for me that much.
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I killed a squirrel once with a car. Twice with a tennis racket.
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Every year I volunteer at a hospital on Thanksgiving, deep-frying turkeys in the children's burn unit. I do it just to see the looks on their little faces.
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I think a theater show is a pure version of me doing my material. The theater crowd is a bit more polite, there really aren't hecklers, and there are a lot of people there to see me, and they're excited about the jokes and hanging out with me for a show.
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I wish my family had taken more pictures when I was growing up. Instead of always having to draw everything.
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People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.
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A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.'
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Katey Sagal, you are an incredible actress. You worked on ‘Married with Children,’ the show that changed comedy, ‘Sons of Anarchy,’ the show that took comedy to a whole new level and ‘8 Simple Rules,’ the show that killed John Ritter.
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I was always cutting words. I even would write my jokes in my notebook. I still do this, almost like a poem.
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My girlfriend wants an open relationship. I said no way. What kind of man would I be if I had to tell my friends I date you?
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Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.
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I can drink like a fish, or at least, someone born with fetal alcohol syndrome.
Anthony Jeselnik
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I loved Stephen Wright, and I loved Mitch Hedberg, but they seemed like geniuses you could never emulate. You'd just be ripping them off.
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I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.
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My favorite sport is football. I'm a die hard Steelers fan. Favorite players were Hines Ward and Greg Lloyd.
Anthony Jeselnik