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Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one's going to be sad when you get cancer.

Anthony Jeselnik

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Anthony Jeselnik
Age: 45
Born: 1978
Born: December 22
Comedian
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
Differences
Cancer
Movie
Donald
Sure
Street
Funny
Aware
Even
Streets
Going
Wall
Difference
Douglas
Humor
Michael

More quotes by Anthony Jeselnik

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My sister is going to have a simple wedding. Just immediate family. And whoever the hell would want to marry her.
Anthony Jeselnik
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Tom Cruise's pre-nup lets him keep his money, the kids and Katie Holmes.
Anthony Jeselnik
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I'm interested in doing some acting in the future, but it's a distant second to stand up.
Anthony Jeselnik
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My perfect night would be going out to an awesome restaurant, then heading over to the Comedy Cellar to hang out with other comics, drinking beers and making fun of each other.
Anthony Jeselnik
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I was always fascinated by forbidden things people didn't want to talk about, like death.
Anthony Jeselnik
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Sure, my uncle killed himself playing Russian Roulette. But I choose to remember him as a great Russian Roulette player.
Anthony Jeselnik
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I tell very mean jokes.
Anthony Jeselnik
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Katey Sagal, you are an incredible actress. You worked on ‘Married with Children,’ the show that changed comedy, ‘Sons of Anarchy,’ the show that took comedy to a whole new level and ‘8 Simple Rules,’ the show that killed John Ritter.
Anthony Jeselnik
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I enjoyed writing for someone elses voice, but I wasnt very good at it.
Anthony Jeselnik
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I had a happy childhood in a nice suburban area, pretty idyllic, upper middle class and very, very white. My dad is an attorney. My mother is a housewife. They had five kids in seven years: me, my brother, and three sisters. I'm the oldest. We were all very active. My mother was exhausted.
Anthony Jeselnik
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When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat guy.
Anthony Jeselnik
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I think the reason I became funny was because if I made people laugh, they would let me keep talking.
Anthony Jeselnik
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I killed a squirrel once with a car. Twice with a tennis racket.
Anthony Jeselnik
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I've always been fascinated by dark subjects, especially people's reactions to them. Why are people so uncomfortable talking about death if everyone dies?
Anthony Jeselnik
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Every comic went through their Mitch Hedberg phase - the glasses, the hair in the face - and you knew immediately when they were doing it.
Anthony Jeselnik
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I'll be very busy, which is all I need.
Anthony Jeselnik
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Todd Glass has amazing energy on stage. Dave Attell is one of my favorites because he's a one liner comic who is always incredibly in the moment with the audience. As for newer people, I think Adrienne Iapalucci writes some great, dark jokes and Sean Patton has a hilarious voice on stage.
Anthony Jeselnik
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My mom's been having a hard time lately. She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed - if she's ever going to be good at golf.
Anthony Jeselnik
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I think brilliant stuff comes out of working with limitations. One liners are very limiting, but that's what drew me to them in the first place.
Anthony Jeselnik
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Disgusting. I just found my grandpa's Viagra. I swear, I almost puked from eating so many.
Anthony Jeselnik