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Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one's going to be sad when you get cancer.
Anthony Jeselnik
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Anthony Jeselnik
Age: 45
Born: 1978
Born: December 22
Comedian
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
Difference
Douglas
Humor
Michael
Differences
Cancer
Movie
Donald
Sure
Street
Funny
Aware
Even
Streets
Going
Wall
More quotes by Anthony Jeselnik
Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.
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I’m not a religious person I would call myself an atheist. I don’t have a good story behind it, I’m just reasonable.
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I love Pittsburgh. Most of my family still lives there and I try to get back a couple of times a year.
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I'm interested in doing some acting in the future, but it's a distant second to stand up.
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Disgusting. I just found my grandpa's Viagra. I swear, I almost puked from eating so many.
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I spent all night feeding the homeless to dogs.
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Tom Cruise's pre-nup lets him keep his money, the kids and Katie Holmes.
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Halloween is just a made up holiday, created by the razor blade industry.
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I love anyone who surprises me and makes me laugh.
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I hated my mom for not letting me play football as a kid. So when I have kids someday, I guarantee they'll never meet their grandmother.
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I think some people just don't know that much about comedy. It would be like a person who didn't know anything about football thinking all offensive linemen are the same.
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2010 has been awesome. I got to write on the David Hasselhoff Roast this summer, and that's always been a dream.
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My mom's been having a hard time lately. She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed - if she's ever going to be good at golf.
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My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend.
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I'm not a comedy writer, I'm a comedian, so I only write stuff that I would want to say.
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When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat guy.
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I was a terrible employee. I've been fired from almost every job I've ever had, luckily, in a good way, or else I'd be stuck. I would always joke around with everybody, and no one enjoyed my humor.
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God, that Anthony Jeselnik Show sounds really funny.
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I think my friend Jeff is gay. I don't know - I'm so bad with names.
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I've got a long history of suicid in my family the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.
Anthony Jeselnik
