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I guess I prefer the laughs. I couldn't do a whole set of just shocks, but I like throwing a fastball inside every now and then to keep people on their toes.
Anthony Jeselnik
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Anthony Jeselnik
Age: 46
Born: 1978
Born: December 22
Comedian
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
Keep
Toes
Whole
Throwing
Every
Shock
Like
Prefer
People
Guess
Fastball
Couldn
Fastballs
Laughing
Shocks
Inside
Laughs
More quotes by Anthony Jeselnik
My ultimate goal is to do whatever I want, whenever I want to do it. And that keeps changing. I didn't want to host my own show until I wrote for someone else's.
Anthony Jeselnik
I loved Stephen Wright, and I loved Mitch Hedberg, but they seemed like geniuses you could never emulate. You'd just be ripping them off.
Anthony Jeselnik
My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom's funeral, while I was asleep.
Anthony Jeselnik
My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident. Devastating. I can't believe I'm only going to have sex with her one more time.
Anthony Jeselnik
It's impossible for me to hear the words quadruple murder suicide without thinking of my grandparents.
Anthony Jeselnik
Racist dermatologists think all black people have really bad skin.
Anthony Jeselnik
You look like you deep fry your hands before you bite your fingernails.
Anthony Jeselnik
I think my friends wife has been banging a black guy. Because they just had a baby. And the baby had a hole in it.
Anthony Jeselnik
Katey Sagal, you are an incredible actress. You worked on ‘Married with Children,’ the show that changed comedy, ‘Sons of Anarchy,’ the show that took comedy to a whole new level and ‘8 Simple Rules,’ the show that killed John Ritter.
Anthony Jeselnik
I had written for Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman in the past. Jimmy had a different voice, and different priorities. He couldnt be the bad guy in the joke he couldnt upset people, really.
Anthony Jeselnik
Every year I volunteer at a hospital on Thanksgiving, deep-frying turkeys in the children's burn unit. I do it just to see the looks on their little faces.
Anthony Jeselnik
When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat guy.
Anthony Jeselnik
Father's Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all the time.
Anthony Jeselnik
Silence means they [the audience] are paying attention. Even if I drop bombs and they're dead quiet, it's still okay. If they start talking, that's when you've lost them.
Anthony Jeselnik
I'm not a comedy writer, I'm a comedian, so I only write stuff that I would want to say.
Anthony Jeselnik
I come up with my jokes by thinking of a topic.
Anthony Jeselnik
There is nothing that's off limits. If people think something is off limits, I make it my business to go make a joke about it that's my job.
Anthony Jeselnik
An offended audience member repeating a comedian's act from memory is worse than, literally, anything.
Anthony Jeselnik
I killed a squirrel once with a car. Twice with a tennis racket.
Anthony Jeselnik
I was a terrible employee. I've been fired from almost every job I've ever had, luckily, in a good way, or else I'd be stuck. I would always joke around with everybody, and no one enjoyed my humor.
Anthony Jeselnik
