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I guess I prefer the laughs. I couldn't do a whole set of just shocks, but I like throwing a fastball inside every now and then to keep people on their toes.
Anthony Jeselnik
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Anthony Jeselnik
Age: 46
Born: 1978
Born: December 22
Comedian
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
Inside
Laughs
Keep
Toes
Whole
Throwing
Every
Shock
Like
Prefer
People
Guess
Fastball
Couldn
Fastballs
Laughing
Shocks
More quotes by Anthony Jeselnik
Silence means they [the audience] are paying attention. Even if I drop bombs and they're dead quiet, it's still okay. If they start talking, that's when you've lost them.
Anthony Jeselnik
My favorite sport is football. I'm a die hard Steelers fan. Favorite players were Hines Ward and Greg Lloyd.
Anthony Jeselnik
Halloween is just a made up holiday, created by the razor blade industry.
Anthony Jeselnik
You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub... and you definitely don't know anything about how to wash a baby.
Anthony Jeselnik
Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.
Anthony Jeselnik
What do I care if someone doesn't like me. If I like someone other people hate, it makes me feel special. I think my fans feel that way.
Anthony Jeselnik
Whenever I’m about to have sex with a girl, I play it smart and just automatically assume she has herpes because that way I don’t have to tell her about my herpes.
Anthony Jeselnik
You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.
Anthony Jeselnik
My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.
Anthony Jeselnik
Valentine's Day was created by the greeting card industry to get pussy.
Anthony Jeselnik
I had written for Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman in the past. Jimmy had a different voice, and different priorities. He couldnt be the bad guy in the joke he couldnt upset people, really.
Anthony Jeselnik
I enjoyed writing for someone elses voice, but I wasnt very good at it.
Anthony Jeselnik
I was a terrible employee. I've been fired from almost every job I've ever had, luckily, in a good way, or else I'd be stuck. I would always joke around with everybody, and no one enjoyed my humor.
Anthony Jeselnik
I'll be very busy, which is all I need.
Anthony Jeselnik
I have a rare form of body dysmorphia in which I absolutely can't stand how good I look.
Anthony Jeselnik
My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom's funeral, while I was asleep.
Anthony Jeselnik
I’m not a religious person I would call myself an atheist. I don’t have a good story behind it, I’m just reasonable.
Anthony Jeselnik
I like to read, but otherwise I'm just your average, self-obsessed comedian. It's pretty much all I think about.
Anthony Jeselnik
I think some people just don't know that much about comedy. It would be like a person who didn't know anything about football thinking all offensive linemen are the same.
Anthony Jeselnik
Do whatever you want to do, whenever you want to do it
Anthony Jeselnik
