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I don't think Metallica sits around all day wondering why country music fans don't embrace them.

Anthony Jeselnik

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Anthony Jeselnik
Age: 46
Born: 1978
Born: December 22
Comedian
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
Around
Music
Country
Metallica
Think
Sits
Thinking
Wondering
Embrace
Fans
Wonder

More quotes by Anthony Jeselnik

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I spent all night feeding the homeless to dogs.
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I was raised Catholic. I rejected it later on. I'm an outspoken atheist now. People say, 'Oh, it's a negative thing to be an atheist.' I don't agree. I think it's more optimistic to think that there is no God, no afterlife.
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I killed a squirrel once with a car. Twice with a tennis racket.
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Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.
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It's always difficult when someone close to you passes away. But it's really tough when they're on top of you.
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I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.
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My sister is going to have a simple wedding. Just immediate family. And whoever the hell would want to marry her.
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When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat guy.
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Whenever I’m about to have sex with a girl, I play it smart and just automatically assume she has herpes because that way I don’t have to tell her about my herpes.
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I'm inspired by making people laugh at subjects that should make them cry.
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Racist dermatologists think all black people have really bad skin.
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Comedy Central made me delete the Boston Marathon joke. I wasn't happy about it but, despite popular belief, I can occasionally be a team player.
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Todd Glass has amazing energy on stage. Dave Attell is one of my favorites because he's a one liner comic who is always incredibly in the moment with the audience. As for newer people, I think Adrienne Iapalucci writes some great, dark jokes and Sean Patton has a hilarious voice on stage.
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You know how everybody has that one weird creepy uncle? Well, Seth Green looks like he got raped by all of them.
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I'm a comedian and there are a lot of things I'm still learning. I love one liners because I love smart jokes. I also don't like complaining about society or whining about my life on stage.
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Do whatever you want to do, whenever you want to do it
Anthony Jeselnik
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Perhaps I'm being too optimistic, but I think this country is finally ready for a black serial killer.
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Everyone gets laid off and everyone in Hollywood gets unemployment for six months while they're looking for a new job. So I would just do stand-up for six months and think I was really making it, and when my unemployment ran out, I had to get another job immediately.
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I think the reason I became funny was because if I made people laugh, they would let me keep talking.
Anthony Jeselnik
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Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.
Anthony Jeselnik