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I don't think Metallica sits around all day wondering why country music fans don't embrace them.

Anthony Jeselnik

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Anthony Jeselnik
Age: 45
Born: 1978
Born: December 22
Comedian
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
Embrace
Fans
Wonder
Around
Music
Country
Metallica
Think
Sits
Thinking
Wondering

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I think the reason I became funny was because if I made people laugh, they would let me keep talking.
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Every comic went through their Mitch Hedberg phase - the glasses, the hair in the face - and you knew immediately when they were doing it.
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Racist dermatologists think all black people have really bad skin.
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I have a rare form of body dysmorphia in which I absolutely can't stand how good I look.
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My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident. Devastating. I can't believe I'm only going to have sex with her one more time.
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It seemed fun to play a villain on stage and I wanted my jokes to be so good that I could just calmly tell them on stage.
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I can drink like a fish, or at least, someone born with fetal alcohol syndrome.
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I come up with my jokes by thinking of a topic.
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I will never understand how a mother can kill her own baby and not get away with it.
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In comedy, I hate that cop-out where you say, Just kidding. I know you're just kidding. Don't insult my intelligence by spelling it out for me that much.
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When I was seven, I broke my leg playing soccer. Just to feel something.
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I loved Stephen Wright, and I loved Mitch Hedberg, but they seemed like geniuses you could never emulate. You'd just be ripping them off.
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My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know? Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black - that way, when I found out he didn't exist, it wouldn't be that big a let down.
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My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.
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It's impossible for me to hear the words quadruple murder suicide without thinking of my grandparents.
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Dark humor appealed to me because it was a bigger laugh than you could get with anything else. Seeing people laugh at something inappropriate with their whole bodies, a guttural, visceral laugh beyond a mere hah.
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There is nothing that's off limits. If people think something is off limits, I make it my business to go make a joke about it that's my job.
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