Quote

I love Austin, but last time I was in town for twelve hours. I was exhausted, drunk and miserable. But none of that was Austin's fault.

Anthony Jeselnik

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Anthony Jeselnik
Age: 45
Born: 1978
Born: December 22
Comedian
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
Last
Town
Time
Drunk
Love
Miserable
Towns
Faults
Austin
None
Exhausted
Hours
Twelve
Lasts
Fault

More quotes by Anthony Jeselnik

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Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.
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It seemed fun to play a villain on stage and I wanted my jokes to be so good that I could just calmly tell them on stage.
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You look like you deep fry your hands before you bite your fingernails.
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It's always difficult when someone close to you passes away. But it's really tough when they're on top of you.
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God, that Anthony Jeselnik Show sounds really funny.
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Perhaps I'm being too optimistic, but I think this country is finally ready for a black serial killer.
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I love Pittsburgh. Most of my family still lives there and I try to get back a couple of times a year.
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It's impossible for me to hear the words quadruple murder suicide without thinking of my grandparents.
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I guess I prefer the laughs. I couldn't do a whole set of just shocks, but I like throwing a fastball inside every now and then to keep people on their toes.
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Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.
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I can drink like a fish, or at least, someone born with fetal alcohol syndrome.
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I wish my family had taken more pictures when I was growing up. Instead of always having to draw everything.
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My girlfriend wants an open relationship. I said no way. What kind of man would I be if I had to tell my friends I date you?
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My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom's funeral, while I was asleep.
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I killed a squirrel once with a car. Twice with a tennis racket.
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I would write 100 jokes a day. Most of them were terrible. But I just said, 'I'll write more than everybody else, and that's how I'll get better.'
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I was always cutting words. I even would write my jokes in my notebook. I still do this, almost like a poem.
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Every year I volunteer at a hospital on Thanksgiving, deep-frying turkeys in the children's burn unit. I do it just to see the looks on their little faces.
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Dark humor appealed to me because it was a bigger laugh than you could get with anything else. Seeing people laugh at something inappropriate with their whole bodies, a guttural, visceral laugh beyond a mere hah.
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Whenever I’m about to have sex with a girl, I play it smart and just automatically assume she has herpes because that way I don’t have to tell her about my herpes.
Anthony Jeselnik