Quote

I love Austin, but last time I was in town for twelve hours. I was exhausted, drunk and miserable. But none of that was Austin's fault.

Anthony Jeselnik

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Anthony Jeselnik
Age: 45
Born: 1978
Born: December 22
Comedian
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
Time
Drunk
Love
Miserable
Towns
Faults
Austin
None
Exhausted
Hours
Twelve
Lasts
Fault
Last
Town

More quotes by Anthony Jeselnik

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I come up with my jokes by thinking of a topic.
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In the second grade, I would just get bored and a joke would pop into my head and I would have to say it. It was almost like I had some brilliant novel in my head that I had to get down, and I would interrupt class all the time and get in trouble.
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My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend.
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Sure, my uncle killed himself playing Russian Roulette. But I choose to remember him as a great Russian Roulette player.
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I like to read, but otherwise I'm just your average, self-obsessed comedian. It's pretty much all I think about.
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Every year I volunteer at a hospital on Thanksgiving, deep-frying turkeys in the children's burn unit. I do it just to see the looks on their little faces.
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I enjoyed writing for someone elses voice, but I wasnt very good at it.
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An offended audience member repeating a comedian's act from memory is worse than, literally, anything.
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You know how everybody has that one weird creepy uncle? Well, Seth Green looks like he got raped by all of them.
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My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know? Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black - that way, when I found out he didn't exist, it wouldn't be that big a let down.
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What do I care if someone doesn't like me. If I like someone other people hate, it makes me feel special. I think my fans feel that way.
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I love Pittsburgh. Most of my family still lives there and I try to get back a couple of times a year.
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I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.
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Father's Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all the time.
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I know her in the biblical senseand when I say that, I mean I don't believe a word she says.
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I hated my mom for not letting me play football as a kid. So when I have kids someday, I guarantee they'll never meet their grandmother.
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Im not the voice of reason Im more the guy using these offensive topics as fodder to raise tension in a joke.
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Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one's going to be sad when you get cancer.
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My girlfriend wants an open relationship. I said no way. What kind of man would I be if I had to tell my friends I date you?
Anthony Jeselnik
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I had a happy childhood in a nice suburban area, pretty idyllic, upper middle class and very, very white. My dad is an attorney. My mother is a housewife. They had five kids in seven years: me, my brother, and three sisters. I'm the oldest. We were all very active. My mother was exhausted.
Anthony Jeselnik