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I've always been fascinated by dark subjects, especially people's reactions to them. Why are people so uncomfortable talking about death if everyone dies?
Anthony Jeselnik
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Anthony Jeselnik
Age: 45
Born: 1978
Born: December 22
Comedian
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
Especially
Dark
Dies
Talking
Everyone
Fascinated
Death
Reactions
Always
Uncomfortable
People
Subjects
More quotes by Anthony Jeselnik
I guess I prefer the laughs. I couldn't do a whole set of just shocks, but I like throwing a fastball inside every now and then to keep people on their toes.
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I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.
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In the second grade, I would just get bored and a joke would pop into my head and I would have to say it. It was almost like I had some brilliant novel in my head that I had to get down, and I would interrupt class all the time and get in trouble.
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I loved Stephen Wright, and I loved Mitch Hedberg, but they seemed like geniuses you could never emulate. You'd just be ripping them off.
Anthony Jeselnik
I'll be very busy, which is all I need.
Anthony Jeselnik
What do I care if someone doesn't like me. If I like someone other people hate, it makes me feel special. I think my fans feel that way.
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Valentine's Day was created by the greeting card industry to get pussy.
Anthony Jeselnik
My mom's been having a hard time lately. She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed - if she's ever going to be good at golf.
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I think a theater show is a pure version of me doing my material. The theater crowd is a bit more polite, there really aren't hecklers, and there are a lot of people there to see me, and they're excited about the jokes and hanging out with me for a show.
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I let a friend set me up on a blind date. It was a disaster. She ended up being a burn victim. By the end of the night.
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I was always cutting words. I even would write my jokes in my notebook. I still do this, almost like a poem.
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Every comic went through their Mitch Hedberg phase - the glasses, the hair in the face - and you knew immediately when they were doing it.
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I have a rare form of body dysmorphia in which I absolutely can't stand how good I look.
Anthony Jeselnik
When I die, I want to be cremated with everybody.
Anthony Jeselnik
Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.
Anthony Jeselnik
Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.
Anthony Jeselnik
My perfect night would be going out to an awesome restaurant, then heading over to the Comedy Cellar to hang out with other comics, drinking beers and making fun of each other.
Anthony Jeselnik
Racist dermatologists think all black people have really bad skin.
Anthony Jeselnik
Every Sunday my dad calls to ask if I went to church. And every Sunday I lie and say: Sorry. Wrong Number.
Anthony Jeselnik
An offended audience member repeating a comedian's act from memory is worse than, literally, anything.
Anthony Jeselnik