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Comedy Central made me delete the Boston Marathon joke. I wasn't happy about it but, despite popular belief, I can occasionally be a team player.
Anthony Jeselnik
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Anthony Jeselnik
Age: 45
Born: 1978
Born: December 22
Comedian
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
Player
Marathon
Wasn
Boston
Comedy
Occasionally
Team
Central
Belief
Joke
Happy
Popular
Made
Despite
Jokes
Delete
More quotes by Anthony Jeselnik
An offended audience member repeating a comedian's act from memory is worse than, literally, anything.
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Im not the voice of reason Im more the guy using these offensive topics as fodder to raise tension in a joke.
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Sure, my uncle killed himself playing Russian Roulette. But I choose to remember him as a great Russian Roulette player.
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I love Pittsburgh. Most of my family still lives there and I try to get back a couple of times a year.
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I come up with my jokes by thinking of a topic.
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Tom Cruise's pre-nup lets him keep his money, the kids and Katie Holmes.
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2010 has been awesome. I got to write on the David Hasselhoff Roast this summer, and that's always been a dream.
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I had to break up with my last girlfriend for lying about being raped by her neighbor. But I've met her neighbor, he's a cool guy. Not like her other creepy ass neighbor though.
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I had a happy childhood in a nice suburban area, pretty idyllic, upper middle class and very, very white. My dad is an attorney. My mother is a housewife. They had five kids in seven years: me, my brother, and three sisters. I'm the oldest. We were all very active. My mother was exhausted.
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I was always fascinated by forbidden things people didn't want to talk about, like death.
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If I tell a joke on stage and the crowd laughs for a minute, I stand there for a minute and enjoy them laughing before I go on to the next joke. On TV, if I stand there for a minute while they laugh, I look like an idiot who can't remember the next joke.
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When my girlfriend cooks dinner, I'm happy to do the dishes. Because I make her wash dishes when I take her to a restaurant.
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In the second grade, I would just get bored and a joke would pop into my head and I would have to say it. It was almost like I had some brilliant novel in my head that I had to get down, and I would interrupt class all the time and get in trouble.
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I spent all night feeding the homeless to dogs.
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You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.
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My girlfriend wants an open relationship. I said no way. What kind of man would I be if I had to tell my friends I date you?
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I don't think Metallica sits around all day wondering why country music fans don't embrace them.
Anthony Jeselnik
I love anyone who surprises me and makes me laugh.
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I never go see live comedy shows because I just sit in the audience thinking, Here's what I would say. Here's what I would do if I got up there. It drives me crazy.
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Every Sunday my dad calls to ask if I went to church. And every Sunday I lie and say: Sorry. Wrong Number.
Anthony Jeselnik