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Comedy Central made me delete the Boston Marathon joke. I wasn't happy about it but, despite popular belief, I can occasionally be a team player.

Anthony Jeselnik

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Anthony Jeselnik
Age: 46
Born: 1978
Born: December 22
Comedian
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
Belief
Joke
Happy
Popular
Made
Despite
Jokes
Delete
Player
Marathon
Wasn
Boston
Comedy
Occasionally
Team
Central

More quotes by Anthony Jeselnik

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When I was seven, I broke my leg playing soccer. Just to feel something.
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I was always cutting words. I even would write my jokes in my notebook. I still do this, almost like a poem.
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Im not the voice of reason Im more the guy using these offensive topics as fodder to raise tension in a joke.
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Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.
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Everyone gets laid off and everyone in Hollywood gets unemployment for six months while they're looking for a new job. So I would just do stand-up for six months and think I was really making it, and when my unemployment ran out, I had to get another job immediately.
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Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one's going to be sad when you get cancer.
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I think brilliant stuff comes out of working with limitations. One liners are very limiting, but that's what drew me to them in the first place.
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I like the idea of being the funny guy in the dramatic thing, playing a hit man with a weird sense of humor.
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Halloween is just a made up holiday, created by the razor blade industry.
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My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know? Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black - that way, when I found out he didn't exist, it wouldn't be that big a let down.
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Every year I volunteer at a hospital on Thanksgiving, deep-frying turkeys in the children's burn unit. I do it just to see the looks on their little faces.
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Wayne Brady, I don’t understand why people keep joking that you’re not black. Wayne Brady, you are BLACK. After all, I only remember you for all the years you played an uppity slave on ‘Who’s Line is it Anyway?’.
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I'm a comedian and there are a lot of things I'm still learning. I love one liners because I love smart jokes. I also don't like complaining about society or whining about my life on stage.
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Everyone has the same kind of fears everyone has the same big problems in the world, which is, like, fear of death and I hope horrible things dont happen to my family, but they do. And I think people laugh at them as this great release.
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I like to read, but otherwise I'm just your average, self-obsessed comedian. It's pretty much all I think about.
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Tom Cruise's pre-nup lets him keep his money, the kids and Katie Holmes.
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Sure, my uncle killed himself playing Russian Roulette. But I choose to remember him as a great Russian Roulette player.
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When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat guy.
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I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.
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I hated my mom for not letting me play football as a kid. So when I have kids someday, I guarantee they'll never meet their grandmother.
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