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Comedy Central made me delete the Boston Marathon joke. I wasn't happy about it but, despite popular belief, I can occasionally be a team player.

Anthony Jeselnik

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Anthony Jeselnik
Age: 45
Born: 1978
Born: December 22
Comedian
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
Wasn
Boston
Comedy
Occasionally
Team
Central
Belief
Joke
Happy
Popular
Made
Despite
Jokes
Delete
Player
Marathon

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Disasters are funny to me. As a comedian you learn from failure, so I'm always trying to put myself in a situation that does not seem ideal for my comedy and see how it works.
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When I was seven, I broke my leg playing soccer. Just to feel something.
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In the second grade, I would just get bored and a joke would pop into my head and I would have to say it. It was almost like I had some brilliant novel in my head that I had to get down, and I would interrupt class all the time and get in trouble.
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Every Sunday my dad calls to ask if I went to church. And every Sunday I lie and say: Sorry. Wrong Number.
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There is nothing that's off limits. If people think something is off limits, I make it my business to go make a joke about it that's my job.
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It seemed fun to play a villain on stage and I wanted my jokes to be so good that I could just calmly tell them on stage.
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I'm interested in doing some acting in the future, but it's a distant second to stand up.
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I loved Stephen Wright, and I loved Mitch Hedberg, but they seemed like geniuses you could never emulate. You'd just be ripping them off.
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Todd Glass has amazing energy on stage. Dave Attell is one of my favorites because he's a one liner comic who is always incredibly in the moment with the audience. As for newer people, I think Adrienne Iapalucci writes some great, dark jokes and Sean Patton has a hilarious voice on stage.
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Valentine's Day was created by the greeting card industry to get pussy.
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My ultimate goal is to do whatever I want, whenever I want to do it. And that keeps changing. I didn't want to host my own show until I wrote for someone else's.
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You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub... and you definitely don't know anything about how to wash a baby.
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I'm a comedian and there are a lot of things I'm still learning. I love one liners because I love smart jokes. I also don't like complaining about society or whining about my life on stage.
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Every year I volunteer at a hospital on Thanksgiving, deep-frying turkeys in the children's burn unit. I do it just to see the looks on their little faces.
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I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can't even enjoy it.
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I will never understand how a mother can kill her own baby and not get away with it.
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I think the reason I became funny was because if I made people laugh, they would let me keep talking.
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I feel like every first episode of a TV show is bad, you know, and it always improves.
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My first time on stage was the class graduation at the Comedy Store. It was awesome. Everything got huge laughs and I just thought I knew how to do comedy.
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My perfect night would be going out to an awesome restaurant, then heading over to the Comedy Cellar to hang out with other comics, drinking beers and making fun of each other.
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