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Comedy Central made me delete the Boston Marathon joke. I wasn't happy about it but, despite popular belief, I can occasionally be a team player.

Anthony Jeselnik

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Anthony Jeselnik
Age: 45
Born: 1978
Born: December 22
Comedian
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
Team
Central
Belief
Joke
Happy
Popular
Made
Despite
Jokes
Delete
Player
Marathon
Wasn
Boston
Comedy
Occasionally

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My first time on stage was the class graduation at the Comedy Store. It was awesome. Everything got huge laughs and I just thought I knew how to do comedy.
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On the show, you have to be more charismatic, a little smoother, but I think I can still be that prince of darkness. You just have to learn the tricks of the TV trade as well.
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I'll be very busy, which is all I need.
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My girlfriend wants an open relationship. I said no way. What kind of man would I be if I had to tell my friends I date you?
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I'm very arrogant and mean. I'm almost like a bad guy professional wrestler.
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You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.
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My ultimate goal is to do whatever I want, whenever I want to do it. And that keeps changing. I didn't want to host my own show until I wrote for someone else's.
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2010 has been awesome. I got to write on the David Hasselhoff Roast this summer, and that's always been a dream.
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My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident. Devastating. I can't believe I'm only going to have sex with her one more time.
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I'm interested in doing some acting in the future, but it's a distant second to stand up.
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I'm not a comedy writer, I'm a comedian, so I only write stuff that I would want to say.
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When I die, I want to be cremated with everybody.
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I was a terrible employee. I've been fired from almost every job I've ever had, luckily, in a good way, or else I'd be stuck. I would always joke around with everybody, and no one enjoyed my humor.
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I never go see live comedy shows because I just sit in the audience thinking, Here's what I would say. Here's what I would do if I got up there. It drives me crazy.
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Every Sunday my dad calls to ask if I went to church. And every Sunday I lie and say: Sorry. Wrong Number.
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I've got a long history of suicid in my family the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.
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I wish my family had taken more pictures when I was growing up. Instead of always having to draw everything.
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Tom Cruise's pre-nup lets him keep his money, the kids and Katie Holmes.
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I think some people just don't know that much about comedy. It would be like a person who didn't know anything about football thinking all offensive linemen are the same.
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