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Comedy Central made me delete the Boston Marathon joke. I wasn't happy about it but, despite popular belief, I can occasionally be a team player.

Anthony Jeselnik

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Anthony Jeselnik
Age: 46
Born: 1978
Born: December 22
Comedian
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
Belief
Joke
Happy
Popular
Made
Despite
Jokes
Delete
Player
Marathon
Wasn
Boston
Comedy
Occasionally
Team
Central

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I think the reason I became funny was because if I made people laugh, they would let me keep talking.
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I was always fascinated by forbidden things people didn't want to talk about, like death.
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I had to break up with my last girlfriend for lying about being raped by her neighbor. But I've met her neighbor, he's a cool guy. Not like her other creepy ass neighbor though.
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My ultimate goal is to do whatever I want, whenever I want to do it. And that keeps changing. I didn't want to host my own show until I wrote for someone else's.
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Perhaps I'm being too optimistic, but I think this country is finally ready for a black serial killer.
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If I tell a joke on stage and the crowd laughs for a minute, I stand there for a minute and enjoy them laughing before I go on to the next joke. On TV, if I stand there for a minute while they laugh, I look like an idiot who can't remember the next joke.
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I killed a squirrel once with a car. Twice with a tennis racket.
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Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.
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Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.
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My girlfriend wants an open relationship. I said no way. What kind of man would I be if I had to tell my friends I date you?
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I feel like every first episode of a TV show is bad, you know, and it always improves.
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A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.'
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Every year I volunteer at a hospital on Thanksgiving, deep-frying turkeys in the children's burn unit. I do it just to see the looks on their little faces.
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I come up with my jokes by thinking of a topic.
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There is nothing that's off limits. If people think something is off limits, I make it my business to go make a joke about it that's my job.
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I wish my family had taken more pictures when I was growing up. Instead of always having to draw everything.
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I'm interested in doing some acting in the future, but it's a distant second to stand up.
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My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident. Devastating. I can't believe I'm only going to have sex with her one more time.
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Father's Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all the time.
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I loved Stephen Wright, and I loved Mitch Hedberg, but they seemed like geniuses you could never emulate. You'd just be ripping them off.
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