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Comedy Central made me delete the Boston Marathon joke. I wasn't happy about it but, despite popular belief, I can occasionally be a team player.

Anthony Jeselnik

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Anthony Jeselnik
Age: 45
Born: 1978
Born: December 22
Comedian
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
Happy
Popular
Made
Despite
Jokes
Delete
Player
Marathon
Wasn
Boston
Comedy
Occasionally
Team
Central
Belief
Joke

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I had a happy childhood in a nice suburban area, pretty idyllic, upper middle class and very, very white. My dad is an attorney. My mother is a housewife. They had five kids in seven years: me, my brother, and three sisters. I'm the oldest. We were all very active. My mother was exhausted.
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I have a rare form of body dysmorphia in which I absolutely can't stand how good I look.
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Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.
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You know how everybody has that one weird creepy uncle? Well, Seth Green looks like he got raped by all of them.
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I'm inspired by making people laugh at subjects that should make them cry.
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What do I care if someone doesn't like me. If I like someone other people hate, it makes me feel special. I think my fans feel that way.
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I can drink like a fish, or at least, someone born with fetal alcohol syndrome.
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I was always cutting words. I even would write my jokes in my notebook. I still do this, almost like a poem.
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Perhaps I'm being too optimistic, but I think this country is finally ready for a black serial killer.
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Silence means they [the audience] are paying attention. Even if I drop bombs and they're dead quiet, it's still okay. If they start talking, that's when you've lost them.
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My first time on stage was the class graduation at the Comedy Store. It was awesome. Everything got huge laughs and I just thought I knew how to do comedy.
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In comedy, I hate that cop-out where you say, Just kidding. I know you're just kidding. Don't insult my intelligence by spelling it out for me that much.
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I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can't even enjoy it.
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You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.
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Tom Cruise's pre-nup lets him keep his money, the kids and Katie Holmes.
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I killed a squirrel once with a car. Twice with a tennis racket.
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I never go see live comedy shows because I just sit in the audience thinking, Here's what I would say. Here's what I would do if I got up there. It drives me crazy.
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My sister is going to have a simple wedding. Just immediate family. And whoever the hell would want to marry her.
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