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Comedy Central made me delete the Boston Marathon joke. I wasn't happy about it but, despite popular belief, I can occasionally be a team player.
Anthony Jeselnik
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Anthony Jeselnik
Age: 45
Born: 1978
Born: December 22
Comedian
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
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Joke
Happy
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Made
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Jokes
Delete
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Marathon
Wasn
Boston
Comedy
Occasionally
Team
Central
More quotes by Anthony Jeselnik
I will never understand how a mother can kill her own baby and not get away with it.
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I love Austin, but last time I was in town for twelve hours. I was exhausted, drunk and miserable. But none of that was Austin's fault.
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I like the idea of being the funny guy in the dramatic thing, playing a hit man with a weird sense of humor.
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I loved Stephen Wright, and I loved Mitch Hedberg, but they seemed like geniuses you could never emulate. You'd just be ripping them off.
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I'm very arrogant and mean. I'm almost like a bad guy professional wrestler.
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I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can't even enjoy it.
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I have a rare form of body dysmorphia in which I absolutely can't stand how good I look.
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I had a happy childhood in a nice suburban area, pretty idyllic, upper middle class and very, very white. My dad is an attorney. My mother is a housewife. They had five kids in seven years: me, my brother, and three sisters. I'm the oldest. We were all very active. My mother was exhausted.
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I love Pittsburgh. Most of my family still lives there and I try to get back a couple of times a year.
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A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.'
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Halloween is just a made up holiday, created by the razor blade industry.
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I had written for Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman in the past. Jimmy had a different voice, and different priorities. He couldnt be the bad guy in the joke he couldnt upset people, really.
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I guess I prefer the laughs. I couldn't do a whole set of just shocks, but I like throwing a fastball inside every now and then to keep people on their toes.
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2010 has been awesome. I got to write on the David Hasselhoff Roast this summer, and that's always been a dream.
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I love anyone who surprises me and makes me laugh.
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Racist dermatologists think all black people have really bad skin.
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When I die, I want to be cremated with everybody.
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Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.
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