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Tom Cruise's pre-nup lets him keep his money, the kids and Katie Holmes.

Anthony Jeselnik

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Anthony Jeselnik
Age: 45
Born: 1978
Born: December 22
Comedian
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
Cruise
Toms
Lets
Keep
Money
Kids
Katie
Holmes

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I know her in the biblical senseand when I say that, I mean I don't believe a word she says.
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Comedy Central made me delete the Boston Marathon joke. I wasn't happy about it but, despite popular belief, I can occasionally be a team player.
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I feel like every first episode of a TV show is bad, you know, and it always improves.
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The true meaning of Christmas is actually centuries of gullibility.
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My ultimate goal is to do whatever I want, whenever I want to do it. And that keeps changing. I didn't want to host my own show until I wrote for someone else's.
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I love anyone who surprises me and makes me laugh.
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I spent all night feeding the homeless to dogs.
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It's impossible for me to hear the words quadruple murder suicide without thinking of my grandparents.
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Father's Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all the time.
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I have a rare form of body dysmorphia in which I absolutely can't stand how good I look.
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I've always been fascinated by dark subjects, especially people's reactions to them. Why are people so uncomfortable talking about death if everyone dies?
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I love Pittsburgh. Most of my family still lives there and I try to get back a couple of times a year.
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I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can't even enjoy it.
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Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one's going to be sad when you get cancer.
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There is nothing that's off limits. If people think something is off limits, I make it my business to go make a joke about it that's my job.
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Everyone gets laid off and everyone in Hollywood gets unemployment for six months while they're looking for a new job. So I would just do stand-up for six months and think I was really making it, and when my unemployment ran out, I had to get another job immediately.
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My favorite sport is football. I'm a die hard Steelers fan. Favorite players were Hines Ward and Greg Lloyd.
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Halloween is just a made up holiday, created by the razor blade industry.
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I never go see live comedy shows because I just sit in the audience thinking, Here's what I would say. Here's what I would do if I got up there. It drives me crazy.
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I'll be very busy, which is all I need.
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