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Tom Cruise's pre-nup lets him keep his money, the kids and Katie Holmes.
Anthony Jeselnik
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Anthony Jeselnik
Age: 45
Born: 1978
Born: December 22
Comedian
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
Keep
Money
Kids
Katie
Holmes
Cruise
Toms
Lets
More quotes by Anthony Jeselnik
I think brilliant stuff comes out of working with limitations. One liners are very limiting, but that's what drew me to them in the first place.
Anthony Jeselnik
I love Pittsburgh. Most of my family still lives there and I try to get back a couple of times a year.
Anthony Jeselnik
I tell very mean jokes.
Anthony Jeselnik
I would love to DJ the royal wedding. Just so I could play Candle in the Wind non-stop.
Anthony Jeselnik
Dark humor appealed to me because it was a bigger laugh than you could get with anything else. Seeing people laugh at something inappropriate with their whole bodies, a guttural, visceral laugh beyond a mere hah.
Anthony Jeselnik
It seemed fun to play a villain on stage and I wanted my jokes to be so good that I could just calmly tell them on stage.
Anthony Jeselnik
I'm inspired by making people laugh at subjects that should make them cry.
Anthony Jeselnik
I had to break up with my last girlfriend for lying about being raped by her neighbor. But I've met her neighbor, he's a cool guy. Not like her other creepy ass neighbor though.
Anthony Jeselnik
I was always fascinated by forbidden things people didn't want to talk about, like death.
Anthony Jeselnik
There is nothing that's off limits. If people think something is off limits, I make it my business to go make a joke about it that's my job.
Anthony Jeselnik
I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can't even enjoy it.
Anthony Jeselnik
Whenever I’m about to have sex with a girl, I play it smart and just automatically assume she has herpes because that way I don’t have to tell her about my herpes.
Anthony Jeselnik
I love anyone who surprises me and makes me laugh.
Anthony Jeselnik
I think some people just don't know that much about comedy. It would be like a person who didn't know anything about football thinking all offensive linemen are the same.
Anthony Jeselnik
You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.
Anthony Jeselnik
When I was seven, I broke my leg playing soccer. Just to feel something.
Anthony Jeselnik
Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.
Anthony Jeselnik
I was always cutting words. I even would write my jokes in my notebook. I still do this, almost like a poem.
Anthony Jeselnik
I love Austin, but last time I was in town for twelve hours. I was exhausted, drunk and miserable. But none of that was Austin's fault.
Anthony Jeselnik
I spent all night feeding the homeless to dogs.
Anthony Jeselnik