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Tom Cruise's pre-nup lets him keep his money, the kids and Katie Holmes.

Anthony Jeselnik

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Anthony Jeselnik
Age: 46
Born: 1978
Born: December 22
Comedian
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
Money
Kids
Katie
Holmes
Cruise
Toms
Lets
Keep

More quotes by Anthony Jeselnik

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You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub... and you definitely don't know anything about how to wash a baby.
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I spent all night feeding the homeless to dogs.
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I let a friend set me up on a blind date. It was a disaster. She ended up being a burn victim. By the end of the night.
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Every year I volunteer at a hospital on Thanksgiving, deep-frying turkeys in the children's burn unit. I do it just to see the looks on their little faces.
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I will never understand how a mother can kill her own baby and not get away with it.
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Im not the voice of reason Im more the guy using these offensive topics as fodder to raise tension in a joke.
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Father's Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all the time.
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My sister is going to have a simple wedding. Just immediate family. And whoever the hell would want to marry her.
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Every comic went through their Mitch Hedberg phase - the glasses, the hair in the face - and you knew immediately when they were doing it.
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Everyone gets laid off and everyone in Hollywood gets unemployment for six months while they're looking for a new job. So I would just do stand-up for six months and think I was really making it, and when my unemployment ran out, I had to get another job immediately.
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Comedy Central made me delete the Boston Marathon joke. I wasn't happy about it but, despite popular belief, I can occasionally be a team player.
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The true meaning of Christmas is actually centuries of gullibility.
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Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.
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You look like you deep fry your hands before you bite your fingernails.
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I'm really proud of the album. It's something I always wanted to do but I had to wait until I was ready. Shakespeare is a culmination of eight years of stand up experience and joke writing. I recorded two shows at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre in New York. The crowds were great and that's what really makes an album.
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Silence means they [the audience] are paying attention. Even if I drop bombs and they're dead quiet, it's still okay. If they start talking, that's when you've lost them.
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People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.
Anthony Jeselnik
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In the second grade, I would just get bored and a joke would pop into my head and I would have to say it. It was almost like I had some brilliant novel in my head that I had to get down, and I would interrupt class all the time and get in trouble.
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Everyone has the same kind of fears everyone has the same big problems in the world, which is, like, fear of death and I hope horrible things dont happen to my family, but they do. And I think people laugh at them as this great release.
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I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.
Anthony Jeselnik