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I have a rare form of body dysmorphia in which I absolutely can't stand how good I look.
Anthony Jeselnik
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Anthony Jeselnik
Age: 45
Born: 1978
Born: December 22
Comedian
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
Looks
Rare
Good
Absolutely
Humor
Stand
Funny
Form
Body
Look
More quotes by Anthony Jeselnik
What do I care if someone doesn't like me. If I like someone other people hate, it makes me feel special. I think my fans feel that way.
Anthony Jeselnik
My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom's funeral, while I was asleep.
Anthony Jeselnik
There is nothing that's off limits. If people think something is off limits, I make it my business to go make a joke about it that's my job.
Anthony Jeselnik
You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub... and you definitely don't know anything about how to wash a baby.
Anthony Jeselnik
An offended audience member repeating a comedian's act from memory is worse than, literally, anything.
Anthony Jeselnik
I think my friends wife has been banging a black guy. Because they just had a baby. And the baby had a hole in it.
Anthony Jeselnik
I loved Stephen Wright, and I loved Mitch Hedberg, but they seemed like geniuses you could never emulate. You'd just be ripping them off.
Anthony Jeselnik
Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.
Anthony Jeselnik
A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.'
Anthony Jeselnik
I'm a comedian and there are a lot of things I'm still learning. I love one liners because I love smart jokes. I also don't like complaining about society or whining about my life on stage.
Anthony Jeselnik
I will never understand how a mother can kill her own baby and not get away with it.
Anthony Jeselnik
My dad was amazing. He raised five boys. All by himself. Without the rest of us knowing.
Anthony Jeselnik
Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.
Anthony Jeselnik
I think my friend Jeff is gay. I don't know - I'm so bad with names.
Anthony Jeselnik
Sure, my uncle killed himself playing Russian Roulette. But I choose to remember him as a great Russian Roulette player.
Anthony Jeselnik
Disgusting. I just found my grandpa's Viagra. I swear, I almost puked from eating so many.
Anthony Jeselnik
My ultimate goal is to do whatever I want, whenever I want to do it. And that keeps changing. I didn't want to host my own show until I wrote for someone else's.
Anthony Jeselnik
When I die, I want to be cremated with everybody.
Anthony Jeselnik
I tell very mean jokes.
Anthony Jeselnik
Katey Sagal, you are an incredible actress. You worked on ‘Married with Children,’ the show that changed comedy, ‘Sons of Anarchy,’ the show that took comedy to a whole new level and ‘8 Simple Rules,’ the show that killed John Ritter.
Anthony Jeselnik