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I had to break up with my last girlfriend for lying about being raped by her neighbor. But I've met her neighbor, he's a cool guy. Not like her other creepy ass neighbor though.

Anthony Jeselnik

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Anthony Jeselnik
Age: 46
Born: 1978
Born: December 22
Comedian
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
Though
Creepy
Lying
Ass
Lasts
Girlfriend
Last
Neighbor
Like
Mets
Cool
Break
Guy
Raped

More quotes by Anthony Jeselnik

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Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one's going to be sad when you get cancer.
Anthony Jeselnik
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You know how everybody has that one weird creepy uncle? Well, Seth Green looks like he got raped by all of them.
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Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.
Anthony Jeselnik
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I never go see live comedy shows because I just sit in the audience thinking, Here's what I would say. Here's what I would do if I got up there. It drives me crazy.
Anthony Jeselnik
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I think the reason I became funny was because if I made people laugh, they would let me keep talking.
Anthony Jeselnik
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I'm really proud of the album. It's something I always wanted to do but I had to wait until I was ready. Shakespeare is a culmination of eight years of stand up experience and joke writing. I recorded two shows at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre in New York. The crowds were great and that's what really makes an album.
Anthony Jeselnik
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I'm inspired by making people laugh at subjects that should make them cry.
Anthony Jeselnik
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My mom's been having a hard time lately. She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed - if she's ever going to be good at golf.
Anthony Jeselnik
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I enjoyed writing for someone elses voice, but I wasnt very good at it.
Anthony Jeselnik
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When my girlfriend cooks dinner, I'm happy to do the dishes. Because I make her wash dishes when I take her to a restaurant.
Anthony Jeselnik
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On the show, you have to be more charismatic, a little smoother, but I think I can still be that prince of darkness. You just have to learn the tricks of the TV trade as well.
Anthony Jeselnik
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I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.
Anthony Jeselnik
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Every year I volunteer at a hospital on Thanksgiving, deep-frying turkeys in the children's burn unit. I do it just to see the looks on their little faces.
Anthony Jeselnik
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I love Austin, but last time I was in town for twelve hours. I was exhausted, drunk and miserable. But none of that was Austin's fault.
Anthony Jeselnik
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I'm interested in doing some acting in the future, but it's a distant second to stand up.
Anthony Jeselnik
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I'm not a comedy writer, I'm a comedian, so I only write stuff that I would want to say.
Anthony Jeselnik
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I hated my mom for not letting me play football as a kid. So when I have kids someday, I guarantee they'll never meet their grandmother.
Anthony Jeselnik
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I like to read, but otherwise I'm just your average, self-obsessed comedian. It's pretty much all I think about.
Anthony Jeselnik
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God, that Anthony Jeselnik Show sounds really funny.
Anthony Jeselnik
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Tom Cruise's pre-nup lets him keep his money, the kids and Katie Holmes.
Anthony Jeselnik