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In the second grade, I would just get bored and a joke would pop into my head and I would have to say it. It was almost like I had some brilliant novel in my head that I had to get down, and I would interrupt class all the time and get in trouble.

Anthony Jeselnik

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Anthony Jeselnik
Age: 46
Born: 1978
Born: December 22
Comedian
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
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Second
Interrupt
Novel
Grade
Trouble
Grades
Head
Joke
Almost
Pops
Class
Bored
Would
Brilliant
Time
Jokes

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I enjoyed writing for someone elses voice, but I wasnt very good at it.
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I do dark [humor]. I like people who are silly and weird and people who are surprising and good at what they do.
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Disgusting. I just found my grandpa's Viagra. I swear, I almost puked from eating so many.
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I spent all night feeding the homeless to dogs.
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My ultimate goal is to do whatever I want, whenever I want to do it. And that keeps changing. I didn't want to host my own show until I wrote for someone else's.
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My favorite sport is football. I'm a die hard Steelers fan. Favorite players were Hines Ward and Greg Lloyd.
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Halloween is just a made up holiday, created by the razor blade industry.
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I will never understand how a mother can kill her own baby and not get away with it.
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Every Sunday my dad calls to ask if I went to church. And every Sunday I lie and say: Sorry. Wrong Number.
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I wish my family had taken more pictures when I was growing up. Instead of always having to draw everything.
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My first time on stage was the class graduation at the Comedy Store. It was awesome. Everything got huge laughs and I just thought I knew how to do comedy.
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I let a friend set me up on a blind date. It was a disaster. She ended up being a burn victim. By the end of the night.
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Racist dermatologists think all black people have really bad skin.
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I tell very mean jokes.
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I killed a squirrel once with a car. Twice with a tennis racket.
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I try to write three jokes every morning, although I don't know what they are. I write them as fast as I can, then I put them away for a month. So I couldn't even tell you what they are, or if they're good. I just assume they weren't.
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I've always been fascinated by dark subjects, especially people's reactions to them. Why are people so uncomfortable talking about death if everyone dies?
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An offended audience member repeating a comedian's act from memory is worse than, literally, anything.
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My girlfriend wants an open relationship. I said no way. What kind of man would I be if I had to tell my friends I date you?
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My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom's funeral, while I was asleep.
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