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People are surprised that I'm nice and it helps me out a little bit it's easy to be nice when everyone thinks you're going to be a jerk but if people think you're a nice guy then it's tough because it's what they expect.
Anthony Jeselnik
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Anthony Jeselnik
Age: 45
Born: 1978
Born: December 22
Comedian
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
Little
Tough
Going
Bits
Think
Nice
Thinking
Guy
Jerk
People
Everyone
Surprised
Easy
Helps
Helping
Thinks
Littles
Expect
More quotes by Anthony Jeselnik
I love Austin, but last time I was in town for twelve hours. I was exhausted, drunk and miserable. But none of that was Austin's fault.
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I'm not a comedy writer, I'm a comedian, so I only write stuff that I would want to say.
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You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.
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Comedy Central made me delete the Boston Marathon joke. I wasn't happy about it but, despite popular belief, I can occasionally be a team player.
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I don't think Metallica sits around all day wondering why country music fans don't embrace them.
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I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.
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Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.
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I'm very arrogant and mean. I'm almost like a bad guy professional wrestler.
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I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can't even enjoy it.
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I'm fascinated by offensive subject matter. Always have been. It is very natural to me, as any teach I've ever had growing up could attest.
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I'm interested in doing some acting in the future, but it's a distant second to stand up.
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I can drink like a fish, or at least, someone born with fetal alcohol syndrome.
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I come up with my jokes by thinking of a topic.
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I would love to DJ the royal wedding. Just so I could play Candle in the Wind non-stop.
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Disgusting. I just found my grandpa's Viagra. I swear, I almost puked from eating so many.
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I'm inspired by making people laugh at subjects that should make them cry.
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Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one's going to be sad when you get cancer.
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My perfect night would be going out to an awesome restaurant, then heading over to the Comedy Cellar to hang out with other comics, drinking beers and making fun of each other.
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I hated my mom for not letting me play football as a kid. So when I have kids someday, I guarantee they'll never meet their grandmother.
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I had to break up with my last girlfriend for lying about being raped by her neighbor. But I've met her neighbor, he's a cool guy. Not like her other creepy ass neighbor though.
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