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I'm not a comedy writer, I'm a comedian, so I only write stuff that I would want to say.

Anthony Jeselnik

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Anthony Jeselnik
Age: 45
Born: 1978
Born: December 22
Comedian
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
Write
Stuff
Writing
Would
Comedian
Writer
Comedy

More quotes by Anthony Jeselnik

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Comedy Central made me delete the Boston Marathon joke. I wasn't happy about it but, despite popular belief, I can occasionally be a team player.
Anthony Jeselnik
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I think brilliant stuff comes out of working with limitations. One liners are very limiting, but that's what drew me to them in the first place.
Anthony Jeselnik
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I will never understand how a mother can kill her own baby and not get away with it.
Anthony Jeselnik
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You look like you deep fry your hands before you bite your fingernails.
Anthony Jeselnik
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My girlfriend wants an open relationship. I said no way. What kind of man would I be if I had to tell my friends I date you?
Anthony Jeselnik
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In the second grade, I would just get bored and a joke would pop into my head and I would have to say it. It was almost like I had some brilliant novel in my head that I had to get down, and I would interrupt class all the time and get in trouble.
Anthony Jeselnik
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I don't think Metallica sits around all day wondering why country music fans don't embrace them.
Anthony Jeselnik
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Katey Sagal, you are an incredible actress. You worked on ‘Married with Children,’ the show that changed comedy, ‘Sons of Anarchy,’ the show that took comedy to a whole new level and ‘8 Simple Rules,’ the show that killed John Ritter.
Anthony Jeselnik
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I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.
Anthony Jeselnik
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I do dark [humor]. I like people who are silly and weird and people who are surprising and good at what they do.
Anthony Jeselnik
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Perhaps I'm being too optimistic, but I think this country is finally ready for a black serial killer.
Anthony Jeselnik
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When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat guy.
Anthony Jeselnik
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Halloween is just a made up holiday, created by the razor blade industry.
Anthony Jeselnik
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Whenever I’m about to have sex with a girl, I play it smart and just automatically assume she has herpes because that way I don’t have to tell her about my herpes.
Anthony Jeselnik
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Valentine's Day was created by the greeting card industry to get pussy.
Anthony Jeselnik
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I know her in the biblical senseand when I say that, I mean I don't believe a word she says.
Anthony Jeselnik
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What do I care if someone doesn't like me. If I like someone other people hate, it makes me feel special. I think my fans feel that way.
Anthony Jeselnik
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I had written for Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman in the past. Jimmy had a different voice, and different priorities. He couldnt be the bad guy in the joke he couldnt upset people, really.
Anthony Jeselnik
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Todd Glass has amazing energy on stage. Dave Attell is one of my favorites because he's a one liner comic who is always incredibly in the moment with the audience. As for newer people, I think Adrienne Iapalucci writes some great, dark jokes and Sean Patton has a hilarious voice on stage.
Anthony Jeselnik
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Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.
Anthony Jeselnik