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I was always cutting words. I even would write my jokes in my notebook. I still do this, almost like a poem.

Anthony Jeselnik

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Anthony Jeselnik
Age: 45
Born: 1978
Born: December 22
Comedian
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
Always
Cutting
Would
Almost
Like
Words
Write
Stills
Still
Notebook
Writing
Poem
Even
Jokes

More quotes by Anthony Jeselnik

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I think some people just don't know that much about comedy. It would be like a person who didn't know anything about football thinking all offensive linemen are the same.
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Katey Sagal, you are an incredible actress. You worked on ‘Married with Children,’ the show that changed comedy, ‘Sons of Anarchy,’ the show that took comedy to a whole new level and ‘8 Simple Rules,’ the show that killed John Ritter.
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My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom's funeral, while I was asleep.
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My ultimate goal is to do whatever I want, whenever I want to do it. And that keeps changing. I didn't want to host my own show until I wrote for someone else's.
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Halloween is just a made up holiday, created by the razor blade industry.
Anthony Jeselnik
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I'm not a comedy writer, I'm a comedian, so I only write stuff that I would want to say.
Anthony Jeselnik
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Whenever I’m about to have sex with a girl, I play it smart and just automatically assume she has herpes because that way I don’t have to tell her about my herpes.
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Every year I volunteer at a hospital on Thanksgiving, deep-frying turkeys in the children's burn unit. I do it just to see the looks on their little faces.
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Valentine's Day was created by the greeting card industry to get pussy.
Anthony Jeselnik
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I've always been fascinated by dark subjects, especially people's reactions to them. Why are people so uncomfortable talking about death if everyone dies?
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Everyone has the same kind of fears everyone has the same big problems in the world, which is, like, fear of death and I hope horrible things dont happen to my family, but they do. And I think people laugh at them as this great release.
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People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.
Anthony Jeselnik
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In comedy, I hate that cop-out where you say, Just kidding. I know you're just kidding. Don't insult my intelligence by spelling it out for me that much.
Anthony Jeselnik
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I like to read, but otherwise I'm just your average, self-obsessed comedian. It's pretty much all I think about.
Anthony Jeselnik
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It seemed fun to play a villain on stage and I wanted my jokes to be so good that I could just calmly tell them on stage.
Anthony Jeselnik
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I was raised Catholic. I rejected it later on. I'm an outspoken atheist now. People say, 'Oh, it's a negative thing to be an atheist.' I don't agree. I think it's more optimistic to think that there is no God, no afterlife.
Anthony Jeselnik
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Dark humor appealed to me because it was a bigger laugh than you could get with anything else. Seeing people laugh at something inappropriate with their whole bodies, a guttural, visceral laugh beyond a mere hah.
Anthony Jeselnik
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When my girlfriend cooks dinner, I'm happy to do the dishes. Because I make her wash dishes when I take her to a restaurant.
Anthony Jeselnik
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There is nothing that's off limits. If people think something is off limits, I make it my business to go make a joke about it that's my job.
Anthony Jeselnik
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Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.
Anthony Jeselnik