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I was a terrible employee. I've been fired from almost every job I've ever had, luckily, in a good way, or else I'd be stuck. I would always joke around with everybody, and no one enjoyed my humor.
Anthony Jeselnik
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Anthony Jeselnik
Age: 46
Born: 1978
Born: December 22
Comedian
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
Good
Everybody
Fired
Always
Almost
Employee
Would
Jobs
Joke
Else
Enjoyed
Around
Stuck
Ever
Jokes
Every
Humor
Way
Terrible
Luckily
More quotes by Anthony Jeselnik
I love anyone who surprises me and makes me laugh.
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I like to read, but otherwise I'm just your average, self-obsessed comedian. It's pretty much all I think about.
Anthony Jeselnik
My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend.
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I love Pittsburgh. Most of my family still lives there and I try to get back a couple of times a year.
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You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.
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I'm not a comedy writer, I'm a comedian, so I only write stuff that I would want to say.
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My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident. Devastating. I can't believe I'm only going to have sex with her one more time.
Anthony Jeselnik
Wayne Brady, I don’t understand why people keep joking that you’re not black. Wayne Brady, you are BLACK. After all, I only remember you for all the years you played an uppity slave on ‘Who’s Line is it Anyway?’.
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People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.
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It's always difficult when someone close to you passes away. But it's really tough when they're on top of you.
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I let a friend set me up on a blind date. It was a disaster. She ended up being a burn victim. By the end of the night.
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My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know? Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black - that way, when I found out he didn't exist, it wouldn't be that big a let down.
Anthony Jeselnik
I tell very mean jokes.
Anthony Jeselnik
Father's Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all the time.
Anthony Jeselnik
It seemed fun to play a villain on stage and I wanted my jokes to be so good that I could just calmly tell them on stage.
Anthony Jeselnik
When I die, I want to be cremated with everybody.
Anthony Jeselnik
I've got a long history of suicid in my family the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.
Anthony Jeselnik
I've always been fascinated by dark subjects, especially people's reactions to them. Why are people so uncomfortable talking about death if everyone dies?
Anthony Jeselnik
I will never understand how a mother can kill her own baby and not get away with it.
Anthony Jeselnik
My mom's been having a hard time lately. She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed - if she's ever going to be good at golf.
Anthony Jeselnik
