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Do whatever you want to do, whenever you want to do it
Anthony Jeselnik
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Anthony Jeselnik
Age: 45
Born: 1978
Born: December 22
Comedian
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
Whenever
Whatever
More quotes by Anthony Jeselnik
The true meaning of Christmas is actually centuries of gullibility.
Anthony Jeselnik
An offended audience member repeating a comedian's act from memory is worse than, literally, anything.
Anthony Jeselnik
Todd Glass has amazing energy on stage. Dave Attell is one of my favorites because he's a one liner comic who is always incredibly in the moment with the audience. As for newer people, I think Adrienne Iapalucci writes some great, dark jokes and Sean Patton has a hilarious voice on stage.
Anthony Jeselnik
Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one's going to be sad when you get cancer.
Anthony Jeselnik
My first time on stage was the class graduation at the Comedy Store. It was awesome. Everything got huge laughs and I just thought I knew how to do comedy.
Anthony Jeselnik
People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.
Anthony Jeselnik
I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.
Anthony Jeselnik
My sister is going to have a simple wedding. Just immediate family. And whoever the hell would want to marry her.
Anthony Jeselnik
My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident. Devastating. I can't believe I'm only going to have sex with her one more time.
Anthony Jeselnik
I think brilliant stuff comes out of working with limitations. One liners are very limiting, but that's what drew me to them in the first place.
Anthony Jeselnik
If I tell a joke on stage and the crowd laughs for a minute, I stand there for a minute and enjoy them laughing before I go on to the next joke. On TV, if I stand there for a minute while they laugh, I look like an idiot who can't remember the next joke.
Anthony Jeselnik
I like to read, but otherwise I'm just your average, self-obsessed comedian. It's pretty much all I think about.
Anthony Jeselnik
Tom Cruise's pre-nup lets him keep his money, the kids and Katie Holmes.
Anthony Jeselnik
Silence means they [the audience] are paying attention. Even if I drop bombs and they're dead quiet, it's still okay. If they start talking, that's when you've lost them.
Anthony Jeselnik
I don't think Metallica sits around all day wondering why country music fans don't embrace them.
Anthony Jeselnik
I had to break up with my last girlfriend for lying about being raped by her neighbor. But I've met her neighbor, he's a cool guy. Not like her other creepy ass neighbor though.
Anthony Jeselnik
I was a terrible employee. I've been fired from almost every job I've ever had, luckily, in a good way, or else I'd be stuck. I would always joke around with everybody, and no one enjoyed my humor.
Anthony Jeselnik
I think some people just don't know that much about comedy. It would be like a person who didn't know anything about football thinking all offensive linemen are the same.
Anthony Jeselnik
I had a happy childhood in a nice suburban area, pretty idyllic, upper middle class and very, very white. My dad is an attorney. My mother is a housewife. They had five kids in seven years: me, my brother, and three sisters. I'm the oldest. We were all very active. My mother was exhausted.
Anthony Jeselnik
Dark humor appealed to me because it was a bigger laugh than you could get with anything else. Seeing people laugh at something inappropriate with their whole bodies, a guttural, visceral laugh beyond a mere hah.
Anthony Jeselnik