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Whenever I’m about to have sex with a girl, I play it smart and just automatically assume she has herpes because that way I don’t have to tell her about my herpes.

Anthony Jeselnik

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Anthony Jeselnik
Age: 45
Born: 1978
Born: December 22
Comedian
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
Girl
Tell
Herpes
Play
Automatically
Way
Assume
Assuming
Whenever
Sex
Smart

More quotes by Anthony Jeselnik

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Todd Glass has amazing energy on stage. Dave Attell is one of my favorites because he's a one liner comic who is always incredibly in the moment with the audience. As for newer people, I think Adrienne Iapalucci writes some great, dark jokes and Sean Patton has a hilarious voice on stage.
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Dark humor appealed to me because it was a bigger laugh than you could get with anything else. Seeing people laugh at something inappropriate with their whole bodies, a guttural, visceral laugh beyond a mere hah.
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2010 has been awesome. I got to write on the David Hasselhoff Roast this summer, and that's always been a dream.
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I think my friends wife has been banging a black guy. Because they just had a baby. And the baby had a hole in it.
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Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.
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Every year I volunteer at a hospital on Thanksgiving, deep-frying turkeys in the children's burn unit. I do it just to see the looks on their little faces.
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It's impossible for me to hear the words quadruple murder suicide without thinking of my grandparents.
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I have a rare form of body dysmorphia in which I absolutely can't stand how good I look.
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Every Sunday my dad calls to ask if I went to church. And every Sunday I lie and say: Sorry. Wrong Number.
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I think the reason I became funny was because if I made people laugh, they would let me keep talking.
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I would write 100 jokes a day. Most of them were terrible. But I just said, 'I'll write more than everybody else, and that's how I'll get better.'
Anthony Jeselnik
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You look like you deep fry your hands before you bite your fingernails.
Anthony Jeselnik
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Racist dermatologists think all black people have really bad skin.
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I like the idea of being the funny guy in the dramatic thing, playing a hit man with a weird sense of humor.
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You know how everybody has that one weird creepy uncle? Well, Seth Green looks like he got raped by all of them.
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Comedy Central made me delete the Boston Marathon joke. I wasn't happy about it but, despite popular belief, I can occasionally be a team player.
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God, that Anthony Jeselnik Show sounds really funny.
Anthony Jeselnik
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Disgusting. I just found my grandpa's Viagra. I swear, I almost puked from eating so many.
Anthony Jeselnik
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Every comic went through their Mitch Hedberg phase - the glasses, the hair in the face - and you knew immediately when they were doing it.
Anthony Jeselnik
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I know her in the biblical senseand when I say that, I mean I don't believe a word she says.
Anthony Jeselnik