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I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.
Anthony Jeselnik
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Anthony Jeselnik
Age: 45
Born: 1978
Born: December 22
Comedian
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
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More quotes by Anthony Jeselnik
There is nothing that's off limits. If people think something is off limits, I make it my business to go make a joke about it that's my job.
Anthony Jeselnik
Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.
Anthony Jeselnik
I can drink like a fish, or at least, someone born with fetal alcohol syndrome.
Anthony Jeselnik
I love anyone who surprises me and makes me laugh.
Anthony Jeselnik
Everyone has the same kind of fears everyone has the same big problems in the world, which is, like, fear of death and I hope horrible things dont happen to my family, but they do. And I think people laugh at them as this great release.
Anthony Jeselnik
Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.
Anthony Jeselnik
Disasters are funny to me. As a comedian you learn from failure, so I'm always trying to put myself in a situation that does not seem ideal for my comedy and see how it works.
Anthony Jeselnik
I will never understand how a mother can kill her own baby and not get away with it.
Anthony Jeselnik
I’m not a religious person I would call myself an atheist. I don’t have a good story behind it, I’m just reasonable.
Anthony Jeselnik
I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.
Anthony Jeselnik
The true meaning of Christmas is actually centuries of gullibility.
Anthony Jeselnik
I do dark [humor]. I like people who are silly and weird and people who are surprising and good at what they do.
Anthony Jeselnik
My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom's funeral, while I was asleep.
Anthony Jeselnik
What do I care if someone doesn't like me. If I like someone other people hate, it makes me feel special. I think my fans feel that way.
Anthony Jeselnik
I was always cutting words. I even would write my jokes in my notebook. I still do this, almost like a poem.
Anthony Jeselnik
I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can't even enjoy it.
Anthony Jeselnik
Wayne Brady, I don’t understand why people keep joking that you’re not black. Wayne Brady, you are BLACK. After all, I only remember you for all the years you played an uppity slave on ‘Who’s Line is it Anyway?’.
Anthony Jeselnik
I had written for Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman in the past. Jimmy had a different voice, and different priorities. He couldnt be the bad guy in the joke he couldnt upset people, really.
Anthony Jeselnik
In comedy, I hate that cop-out where you say, Just kidding. I know you're just kidding. Don't insult my intelligence by spelling it out for me that much.
Anthony Jeselnik
I think my friends wife has been banging a black guy. Because they just had a baby. And the baby had a hole in it.
Anthony Jeselnik