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I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.
Anthony Jeselnik
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Anthony Jeselnik
Age: 45
Born: 1978
Born: December 22
Comedian
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
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Thinking
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Comedian
Thinks
Seeing
Funny
More quotes by Anthony Jeselnik
You know how everybody has that one weird creepy uncle? Well, Seth Green looks like he got raped by all of them.
Anthony Jeselnik
I'm not a comedy writer, I'm a comedian, so I only write stuff that I would want to say.
Anthony Jeselnik
Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one's going to be sad when you get cancer.
Anthony Jeselnik
In comedy, I hate that cop-out where you say, Just kidding. I know you're just kidding. Don't insult my intelligence by spelling it out for me that much.
Anthony Jeselnik
I love anyone who surprises me and makes me laugh.
Anthony Jeselnik
A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.'
Anthony Jeselnik
When I was seven, I broke my leg playing soccer. Just to feel something.
Anthony Jeselnik
I know her in the biblical senseand when I say that, I mean I don't believe a word she says.
Anthony Jeselnik
I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.
Anthony Jeselnik
My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident. Devastating. I can't believe I'm only going to have sex with her one more time.
Anthony Jeselnik
My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.
Anthony Jeselnik
My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know? Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black - that way, when I found out he didn't exist, it wouldn't be that big a let down.
Anthony Jeselnik
There is nothing that's off limits. If people think something is off limits, I make it my business to go make a joke about it that's my job.
Anthony Jeselnik
I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can't even enjoy it.
Anthony Jeselnik
My favorite sport is football. I'm a die hard Steelers fan. Favorite players were Hines Ward and Greg Lloyd.
Anthony Jeselnik
It's impossible for me to hear the words quadruple murder suicide without thinking of my grandparents.
Anthony Jeselnik
I let a friend set me up on a blind date. It was a disaster. She ended up being a burn victim. By the end of the night.
Anthony Jeselnik
I will never understand how a mother can kill her own baby and not get away with it.
Anthony Jeselnik
The true meaning of Christmas is actually centuries of gullibility.
Anthony Jeselnik
I tell very mean jokes.
Anthony Jeselnik