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I've got a long history of suicid in my family the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

Anthony Jeselnik

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Anthony Jeselnik
Age: 45
Born: 1978
Born: December 22
Comedian
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
History
Skip
Kids
Suicidal
Long
Generation
Good
Kill
News
Generations
Lucky
Family
Skips

More quotes by Anthony Jeselnik

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Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.
Anthony Jeselnik
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I never go see live comedy shows because I just sit in the audience thinking, Here's what I would say. Here's what I would do if I got up there. It drives me crazy.
Anthony Jeselnik
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I don't think Metallica sits around all day wondering why country music fans don't embrace them.
Anthony Jeselnik
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I spent all night feeding the homeless to dogs.
Anthony Jeselnik
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You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub... and you definitely don't know anything about how to wash a baby.
Anthony Jeselnik
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Katey Sagal, you are an incredible actress. You worked on ‘Married with Children,’ the show that changed comedy, ‘Sons of Anarchy,’ the show that took comedy to a whole new level and ‘8 Simple Rules,’ the show that killed John Ritter.
Anthony Jeselnik
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I have a rare form of body dysmorphia in which I absolutely can't stand how good I look.
Anthony Jeselnik
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I tell very mean jokes.
Anthony Jeselnik
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I was raised Catholic. I rejected it later on. I'm an outspoken atheist now. People say, 'Oh, it's a negative thing to be an atheist.' I don't agree. I think it's more optimistic to think that there is no God, no afterlife.
Anthony Jeselnik
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I think my friend Jeff is gay. I don't know - I'm so bad with names.
Anthony Jeselnik
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When I die, I want to be cremated with everybody.
Anthony Jeselnik
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Comedy Central made me delete the Boston Marathon joke. I wasn't happy about it but, despite popular belief, I can occasionally be a team player.
Anthony Jeselnik
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It seemed fun to play a villain on stage and I wanted my jokes to be so good that I could just calmly tell them on stage.
Anthony Jeselnik
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I will never understand how a mother can kill her own baby and not get away with it.
Anthony Jeselnik
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My first time on stage was the class graduation at the Comedy Store. It was awesome. Everything got huge laughs and I just thought I knew how to do comedy.
Anthony Jeselnik
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I like to read, but otherwise I'm just your average, self-obsessed comedian. It's pretty much all I think about.
Anthony Jeselnik
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My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.
Anthony Jeselnik
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I’m not a religious person I would call myself an atheist. I don’t have a good story behind it, I’m just reasonable.
Anthony Jeselnik
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I'm fascinated by offensive subject matter. Always have been. It is very natural to me, as any teach I've ever had growing up could attest.
Anthony Jeselnik
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Every Sunday my dad calls to ask if I went to church. And every Sunday I lie and say: Sorry. Wrong Number.
Anthony Jeselnik