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I've got a long history of suicid in my family the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

Anthony Jeselnik

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Anthony Jeselnik
Age: 46
Born: 1978
Born: December 22
Comedian
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
History
Skip
Kids
Suicidal
Long
Generation
Good
Kill
News
Generations
Lucky
Family
Skips

More quotes by Anthony Jeselnik

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I’m not a religious person I would call myself an atheist. I don’t have a good story behind it, I’m just reasonable.
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When I die, I want to be cremated with everybody.
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Sure, my uncle killed himself playing Russian Roulette. But I choose to remember him as a great Russian Roulette player.
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Racist dermatologists think all black people have really bad skin.
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I have a rare form of body dysmorphia in which I absolutely can't stand how good I look.
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Tom Cruise's pre-nup lets him keep his money, the kids and Katie Holmes.
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My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom's funeral, while I was asleep.
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My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.
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Every comic went through their Mitch Hedberg phase - the glasses, the hair in the face - and you knew immediately when they were doing it.
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What do I care if someone doesn't like me. If I like someone other people hate, it makes me feel special. I think my fans feel that way.
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When my girlfriend cooks dinner, I'm happy to do the dishes. Because I make her wash dishes when I take her to a restaurant.
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Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.
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Silence means they [the audience] are paying attention. Even if I drop bombs and they're dead quiet, it's still okay. If they start talking, that's when you've lost them.
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I know her in the biblical senseand when I say that, I mean I don't believe a word she says.
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I think some people just don't know that much about comedy. It would be like a person who didn't know anything about football thinking all offensive linemen are the same.
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An offended audience member repeating a comedian's act from memory is worse than, literally, anything.
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I think my friend Jeff is gay. I don't know - I'm so bad with names.
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I loved Stephen Wright, and I loved Mitch Hedberg, but they seemed like geniuses you could never emulate. You'd just be ripping them off.
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In comedy, I hate that cop-out where you say, Just kidding. I know you're just kidding. Don't insult my intelligence by spelling it out for me that much.
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You look like you deep fry your hands before you bite your fingernails.
Anthony Jeselnik