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I loved Stephen Wright, and I loved Mitch Hedberg, but they seemed like geniuses you could never emulate. You'd just be ripping them off.

Anthony Jeselnik

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Anthony Jeselnik
Age: 45
Born: 1978
Born: December 22
Comedian
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
Geniuses
Stephen
Emulate
Seemed
Genius
Loved
Mitch
Never
Ripping
Like
Wright

More quotes by Anthony Jeselnik

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Do whatever you want to do, whenever you want to do it
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It seemed fun to play a villain on stage and I wanted my jokes to be so good that I could just calmly tell them on stage.
Anthony Jeselnik
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I enjoyed writing for someone elses voice, but I wasnt very good at it.
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Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one's going to be sad when you get cancer.
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I can drink like a fish, or at least, someone born with fetal alcohol syndrome.
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Tom Cruise's pre-nup lets him keep his money, the kids and Katie Holmes.
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You know how everybody has that one weird creepy uncle? Well, Seth Green looks like he got raped by all of them.
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I will never understand how a mother can kill her own baby and not get away with it.
Anthony Jeselnik
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I had a happy childhood in a nice suburban area, pretty idyllic, upper middle class and very, very white. My dad is an attorney. My mother is a housewife. They had five kids in seven years: me, my brother, and three sisters. I'm the oldest. We were all very active. My mother was exhausted.
Anthony Jeselnik
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Every comic went through their Mitch Hedberg phase - the glasses, the hair in the face - and you knew immediately when they were doing it.
Anthony Jeselnik
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My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend.
Anthony Jeselnik
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I think brilliant stuff comes out of working with limitations. One liners are very limiting, but that's what drew me to them in the first place.
Anthony Jeselnik
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Silence means they [the audience] are paying attention. Even if I drop bombs and they're dead quiet, it's still okay. If they start talking, that's when you've lost them.
Anthony Jeselnik
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I spent all night feeding the homeless to dogs.
Anthony Jeselnik
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Halloween is just a made up holiday, created by the razor blade industry.
Anthony Jeselnik
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An offended audience member repeating a comedian's act from memory is worse than, literally, anything.
Anthony Jeselnik
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I killed a squirrel once with a car. Twice with a tennis racket.
Anthony Jeselnik
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I think some people just don't know that much about comedy. It would be like a person who didn't know anything about football thinking all offensive linemen are the same.
Anthony Jeselnik
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I was raised Catholic. I rejected it later on. I'm an outspoken atheist now. People say, 'Oh, it's a negative thing to be an atheist.' I don't agree. I think it's more optimistic to think that there is no God, no afterlife.
Anthony Jeselnik
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There is nothing that's off limits. If people think something is off limits, I make it my business to go make a joke about it that's my job.
Anthony Jeselnik