Quote

I don't remember much about my bar mitzvah. The only thing I remember - I killed! That's what I remembered. Nobody could follow me at my bar-mitzvah. It was over when I was done.

Andy Kindler

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Andy Kindler
Age: 24
Born: 2000
Born: January 1
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Remembered
Follow
Nobody
Remember
Done
Thing
Mitzvah
Much
Bars
Killed

More quotes by Andy Kindler

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I believe at the end of my career I'll be retired into the recurring character hall of fame.
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Adam Carolla is like Hitler if Hitler wasn’t funny.
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Kevin James is going to do a couple of specials. One's called It's Getting Muggy In Here.
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People are trying so hard to become famous. Johnny Marbles, he tried to throw a pie in Rupert Murdoch's face. What do I gotta do, give Sumner Redstone a wedgie?
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Republicans are just rich, old, white people - that's all they are. You ever see the Republican National Convention? All white people - six black people: paid actors. James Earl Jones in his most difficult, challenging role! Tune in and attempt to watch him look pleased during a George Bush speech. And Clarence Thomas - as himself.
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I noticed whenever you call information, 411, there's always a computer voice, and they go, 'What number would you like? City and state, please.' 'Yeah, I'd like the number of Macy's in Century City, California.' 'Did you say 'pretzel nuggets'?
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Tracy Morgan apologizes for his homophobic rant, still no apologies for the sketch about the guy living under the street.
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Jewish people, we're repulsed by Hitler, but we're obsessed with him. If you ever want to rob a Jewish person's house, all you have to do is call them up and tell them there's a Hitler film festival down at the multiplex - watch them file out.
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Maybe Bill Maher should just practice his monologue a few times before the show, so he wouldn't find it so hilarious. But I kid the asshole.
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Alexander Graham Bell was the first person to ever sarcastically say hello. Hellooo, I invented the telephone!
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I actually performed at an orthodox Jewish wedding, where the men were separated from the women, but they both came together to not enjoy what I was talking about.
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Comedy Central made their own awards show. They were named best comedy channel.
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Judah Friedlander, I'm ok with you being the world champion for a few years more. That's a hook with legs. But I think he should make one more hat, that says 'there's a limit to how funny words on a hat can be'. And then move to a chapeau.
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My wife and I want to try swapping. We want to go to one of those key parties where you put your keys in a bowl. But we just want to upgrade our car.
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I don't think there's anything Craig Ferguson could say that would make me laugh. Ad-libbing is not the same as entertainment.
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Some of my inventions didn't take off. I invented a url lengthener.
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I watched Anderson Cooper 360 for a year before I realized that the second hour was a repeat of the first. I just thought his reporting seemed familiar.
Andy Kindler
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I believe conspiracy theories are part of a larger conspiracy to distract us from the real conspiracy. String theory.
Andy Kindler
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I do have insecurities. I don't know if you can tell. I'm not brimming with confidence.
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CNN has a thing called You Choose the News. Y'know what CNN? I'm turning you on because I don't know the news. I was hoping you could help me.
Andy Kindler