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I don't really know what's wrong with Jay Leno. I don't have the training to make a professional diagnosis.

Andy Kindler

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Andy Kindler
Age: 24
Born: 2000
Born: January 1
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Diagnosis
Professional
Training
Wrong
Really
Make
Leno

More quotes by Andy Kindler

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Once when Larry the Cable Guy was on Conan's show, Conan O'Brien was so offended by Larry's material, he had to walk away from the desk he was so offended.
Andy Kindler
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I don't know what Tracy Morgan does on stage, but I can assure you it's no act.
Andy Kindler
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The saddest day in Pixar history was when some guy said 'get Larry the Cable Guy on the phone.
Andy Kindler
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Jewish people, we're repulsed by Hitler, but we're obsessed with him. If you ever want to rob a Jewish person's house, all you have to do is call them up and tell them there's a Hitler film festival down at the multiplex - watch them file out.
Andy Kindler
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My friend taught me this one. You take the heel of your hand, you can shove someone's nose right through their brain. I can't even watch someone blow their nose. If I'm in a fight, I'm not gonna be shoving or poking, I'm gonna be running or begging - that's my two choices, right there.
Andy Kindler
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I'm still working on my time machine. If I ever perfect it, I'm going back in time to prevent Ace Ventura 2 from being made. And then I'm going after Hitler.
Andy Kindler
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Comedy Central made their own awards show. They were named best comedy channel.
Andy Kindler
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I noticed whenever you call information, 411, there's always a computer voice, and they go, 'What number would you like? City and state, please.' 'Yeah, I'd like the number of Macy's in Century City, California.' 'Did you say 'pretzel nuggets'?
Andy Kindler
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I love whenever they downgrade a hurricane to a tropical depression, because I always think of a tropical depression as how I feel three songs into a Jimmy Buffett concert.
Andy Kindler
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Pixar has announced Larry the Cable Guy will be starring in Cars 3 thru 6. Howie Mandel will be playing his sidekick, Mopey the Moped.
Andy Kindler
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I believe at the end of my career I'll be retired into the recurring character hall of fame.
Andy Kindler
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I'm Jewish... We're a very nervous group. Paranoid. Anxiety-ridden. Maybe that Hitler thing made us a little jumpy. Nothing like a Holocaust to make you mind your Ps and Qs for a couple hundred years I always say.
Andy Kindler
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You know, civil rights is great and everything, but a lot of people don't realize that plumbers in the South make less money than when they used to install separate drinking fountains.
Andy Kindler
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I don't know if it's the weather or what's going on - the summer or something like that - but recently I've been feeling extremely bisexual. I don't know what it is. I don't know what's going on, but I walked down the street and, suddenly, the ladies are looking awfully good to me.
Andy Kindler
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President Obama. He is the man. I've tried the rest, and he is the best. My dream is for him to appoint me to be the Secretary of Humor. My first act will be to make whatever Larry the Cable Guy is doing illegal.
Andy Kindler
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Kevin James is going to do a couple of specials. One's called It's Getting Muggy In Here.
Andy Kindler
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Tracy Morgan apologizes for his homophobic rant, still no apologies for the sketch about the guy living under the street.
Andy Kindler
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Alexander Graham Bell was the first person to ever sarcastically say hello. Hellooo, I invented the telephone!
Andy Kindler
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Adam Carolla is like Hitler if Hitler wasn’t funny.
Andy Kindler
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Whenever I watch the beginning of Jimmy Fallon, I feel like I should sue the Roots for bait and switch.
Andy Kindler