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Ever since I've switched to the clean syringes, I've never felt better in my entire life.
Andy Kindler
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Andy Kindler
Age: 25
Born: 2000
Born: January 1
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Better
Ever
Never
Life
Switched
Entire
Clean
Since
Felt
More quotes by Andy Kindler
Pixar has announced Larry the Cable Guy will be starring in Cars 3 thru 6. Howie Mandel will be playing his sidekick, Mopey the Moped.
Andy Kindler
I don't remember much about my bar mitzvah. The only thing I remember - I killed! That's what I remembered. Nobody could follow me at my bar-mitzvah. It was over when I was done.
Andy Kindler
Once when Larry the Cable Guy was on Conan's show, Conan O'Brien was so offended by Larry's material, he had to walk away from the desk he was so offended.
Andy Kindler
I watched Anderson Cooper 360 for a year before I realized that the second hour was a repeat of the first. I just thought his reporting seemed familiar.
Andy Kindler
I don't believe in burning holy books, but I am organizing a protest. I'll be burning all my Dennis Miller VHS cassettes as a special protest. I don't want to hear the introduction 'you may have seen our next comedian on the Hannity show'.
Andy Kindler
I get some acting jobs. I like it other than the constant slipping in and out of character.
Andy Kindler
I don't really know what's wrong with Jay Leno. I don't have the training to make a professional diagnosis.
Andy Kindler
Judah Friedlander, I'm ok with you being the world champion for a few years more. That's a hook with legs. But I think he should make one more hat, that says 'there's a limit to how funny words on a hat can be'. And then move to a chapeau.
Andy Kindler
My cat's fully capable of speaking, but he says he's afraid of me turning it into a Kevin James vehicle.
Andy Kindler
I don't like any nastiness on tv unless it's coming from me.
Andy Kindler
I don't know what Tracy Morgan does on stage, but I can assure you it's no act.
Andy Kindler
I believe conspiracy theories are part of a larger conspiracy to distract us from the real conspiracy. String theory.
Andy Kindler
There's a lot of controversy online, some people say i'm a genius and other say i'm hugely talented.
Andy Kindler
Eddie Izzard is doing his show in French... Will he be able to fake ad-lib as well in other languages? He's been speaking French for a while now, but he's talking about doing his act in German. Haven't the German people suffered enough?
Andy Kindler
George Lopez has to get a physical comedy checkup every year to make sure his bulging eyes don't get out of control... Good news George... you are humor free! There's no sign of comedy anywhere in your blood stream.
Andy Kindler
George Lopez does so much mugging, I'm surprised he's not up on charges.
Andy Kindler
You know, civil rights is great and everything, but a lot of people don't realize that plumbers in the South make less money than when they used to install separate drinking fountains.
Andy Kindler
I do have insecurities. I don't know if you can tell. I'm not brimming with confidence.
Andy Kindler
CNN has a thing called You Choose the News. Y'know what CNN? I'm turning you on because I don't know the news. I was hoping you could help me.
Andy Kindler
Some of my stuff, I realize is just rage.
Andy Kindler
