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I don't like any nastiness on tv unless it's coming from me.

Andy Kindler

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Andy Kindler
Age: 24
Born: 2000
Born: January 1
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Nastiness
Unless
Coming
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More quotes by Andy Kindler

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I watched Master Class with Lorne Michaels on OWN. How can somebody produce a sketch show and talk for an hour and not say something even slightly amusing, or sarcastic, or ironic, or interesting, or informative? 'My mission as a producer is to encourage creativity.' Mission accomplished.
Andy Kindler
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Maybe Bill Maher should just practice his monologue a few times before the show, so he wouldn't find it so hilarious. But I kid the asshole.
Andy Kindler
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Milk should be refrigerated even before opening.
Andy Kindler
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Some of my stuff, I realize is just rage.
Andy Kindler
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My wife and I want to try swapping. We want to go to one of those key parties where you put your keys in a bowl. But we just want to upgrade our car.
Andy Kindler
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CNN has a thing called You Choose the News. Y'know what CNN? I'm turning you on because I don't know the news. I was hoping you could help me.
Andy Kindler
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Alexander Graham Bell was the first person to ever sarcastically say hello. Hellooo, I invented the telephone!
Andy Kindler
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I believe conspiracy theories are part of a larger conspiracy to distract us from the real conspiracy. String theory.
Andy Kindler
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There's a lot of controversy online, some people say i'm a genius and other say i'm hugely talented.
Andy Kindler
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Kevin James is going to do a couple of specials. One's called It's Getting Muggy In Here.
Andy Kindler
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George Lopez does so much mugging, I'm surprised he's not up on charges.
Andy Kindler
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You know, civil rights is great and everything, but a lot of people don't realize that plumbers in the South make less money than when they used to install separate drinking fountains.
Andy Kindler
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I'm sorry and ashamed to report that I'm not actually a Jew. I was pretending to be a Jew to minimize the holocaust.
Andy Kindler
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Whenever I watch the beginning of Jimmy Fallon, I feel like I should sue the Roots for bait and switch.
Andy Kindler
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Now we have two choices in life: have sex with the same person forever or risk a terminal disease. Either way, your life is over.
Andy Kindler
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Judah Friedlander, I'm ok with you being the world champion for a few years more. That's a hook with legs. But I think he should make one more hat, that says 'there's a limit to how funny words on a hat can be'. And then move to a chapeau.
Andy Kindler
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I watched Anderson Cooper 360 for a year before I realized that the second hour was a repeat of the first. I just thought his reporting seemed familiar.
Andy Kindler
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I'm Jewish... We're a very nervous group. Paranoid. Anxiety-ridden. Maybe that Hitler thing made us a little jumpy. Nothing like a Holocaust to make you mind your Ps and Qs for a couple hundred years I always say.
Andy Kindler
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I don't know if it's the weather or what's going on - the summer or something like that - but recently I've been feeling extremely bisexual. I don't know what it is. I don't know what's going on, but I walked down the street and, suddenly, the ladies are looking awfully good to me.
Andy Kindler
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I noticed when I was driving around that they changed the name of the Interborough Parkway to the Jackie Robinson Parkway. And the Interborough family is very upset about this.
Andy Kindler