Quote

I'm still working on my time machine. If I ever perfect it, I'm going back in time to prevent Ace Ventura 2 from being made. And then I'm going after Hitler.

Andy Kindler

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

Andy Kindler
Age: 24
Born: 2000
Born: January 1
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Perfect
Stills
Still
Aces
Back
Hitler
Ever
Prevent
Going
Machine
Made
Machines
Time
Working

More quotes by Andy Kindler

Image
George Lopez has to get a physical comedy checkup every year to make sure his bulging eyes don't get out of control... Good news George... you are humor free! There's no sign of comedy anywhere in your blood stream.
Andy Kindler
Image
My cat's fully capable of speaking, but he says he's afraid of me turning it into a Kevin James vehicle.
Andy Kindler
Image
CNN has a thing called You Choose the News. Y'know what CNN? I'm turning you on because I don't know the news. I was hoping you could help me.
Andy Kindler
Image
I don't believe in burning holy books, but I am organizing a protest. I'll be burning all my Dennis Miller VHS cassettes as a special protest. I don't want to hear the introduction 'you may have seen our next comedian on the Hannity show'.
Andy Kindler
Image
Tracy Morgan apologizes for his homophobic rant, still no apologies for the sketch about the guy living under the street.
Andy Kindler
Image
Pixar has announced Larry the Cable Guy will be starring in Cars 3 thru 6. Howie Mandel will be playing his sidekick, Mopey the Moped.
Andy Kindler
Image
I noticed when I was driving around that they changed the name of the Interborough Parkway to the Jackie Robinson Parkway. And the Interborough family is very upset about this.
Andy Kindler
Image
Alexander Graham Bell was the first person to ever sarcastically say hello. Hellooo, I invented the telephone!
Andy Kindler
Image
I noticed whenever you call information, 411, there's always a computer voice, and they go, 'What number would you like? City and state, please.' 'Yeah, I'd like the number of Macy's in Century City, California.' 'Did you say 'pretzel nuggets'?
Andy Kindler
Image
Some of my stuff, I realize is just rage.
Andy Kindler
Image
If I don't believe in Jesus, maybe I don't believe in Hell. Did you ever think of that? You're so excited about it, why don't you go to Hell? It's your concept you invented it.
Andy Kindler
Image
Judah Friedlander, I'm ok with you being the world champion for a few years more. That's a hook with legs. But I think he should make one more hat, that says 'there's a limit to how funny words on a hat can be'. And then move to a chapeau.
Andy Kindler
Image
Jewish people, we don't believe in Hell or a future place to suffer. We're suffering right now. Every one of our holidays celebrates how much we've suffered. Passover - we're celebrating 5,000 years ago, God passed over our houses and murdered all the Egyptians. We're celebrating, 'Hey, thank God we didn't get slaughtered.
Andy Kindler
Image
Entertainment Weekly said that Parks and Rec is the smartest comedy on tv. Call me when it's the funniest.
Andy Kindler
Image
I watched Anderson Cooper 360 for a year before I realized that the second hour was a repeat of the first. I just thought his reporting seemed familiar.
Andy Kindler
Image
People are trying so hard to become famous. Johnny Marbles, he tried to throw a pie in Rupert Murdoch's face. What do I gotta do, give Sumner Redstone a wedgie?
Andy Kindler
Image
Why does Louis CK get named Comedy Person of the Year? I should be named Comedy Person of the Year just so I can parlay it into another few weeks of road work.
Andy Kindler
Image
I was in Philadelphia - a very angry town, Philadelphia. I've never seen a town like this. It's supposed to be the City of Brotherly Love - like when my brother was 12 and I was nine, and he would lean on my shoulder and dangle spit in my face.
Andy Kindler
Image
Dave Rath is recovering. A month ago he had hip pocket replacement surgery.
Andy Kindler
Image
I'm Jewish... We're a very nervous group. Paranoid. Anxiety-ridden. Maybe that Hitler thing made us a little jumpy. Nothing like a Holocaust to make you mind your Ps and Qs for a couple hundred years I always say.
Andy Kindler