Quote

I'm still working on my time machine. If I ever perfect it, I'm going back in time to prevent Ace Ventura 2 from being made. And then I'm going after Hitler.

Andy Kindler

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Andy Kindler
Age: 24
Born: 2000
Born: January 1
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Perfect
Stills
Still
Aces
Back
Hitler
Ever
Prevent
Going
Machine
Made
Machines
Time
Working

More quotes by Andy Kindler

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I don't really know what's wrong with Jay Leno. I don't have the training to make a professional diagnosis.
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Whenever I watch the beginning of Jimmy Fallon, I feel like I should sue the Roots for bait and switch.
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Ever since I've switched to the clean syringes, I've never felt better in my entire life.
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I was recently voted best standup never to win a major.
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I noticed whenever you call information, 411, there's always a computer voice, and they go, 'What number would you like? City and state, please.' 'Yeah, I'd like the number of Macy's in Century City, California.' 'Did you say 'pretzel nuggets'?
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Now we have two choices in life: have sex with the same person forever or risk a terminal disease. Either way, your life is over.
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George Lopez does so much mugging, I'm surprised he's not up on charges.
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I watched Anderson Cooper 360 for a year before I realized that the second hour was a repeat of the first. I just thought his reporting seemed familiar.
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Republicans are just rich, old, white people - that's all they are. You ever see the Republican National Convention? All white people - six black people: paid actors. James Earl Jones in his most difficult, challenging role! Tune in and attempt to watch him look pleased during a George Bush speech. And Clarence Thomas - as himself.
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President Obama. He is the man. I've tried the rest, and he is the best. My dream is for him to appoint me to be the Secretary of Humor. My first act will be to make whatever Larry the Cable Guy is doing illegal.
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Tracy Morgan apologizes for his homophobic rant, still no apologies for the sketch about the guy living under the street.
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Why does Louis CK get named Comedy Person of the Year? I should be named Comedy Person of the Year just so I can parlay it into another few weeks of road work.
Andy Kindler
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I believe at the end of my career I'll be retired into the recurring character hall of fame.
Andy Kindler
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My cat's fully capable of speaking, but he says he's afraid of me turning it into a Kevin James vehicle.
Andy Kindler
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Eddie Izzard is doing his show in French... Will he be able to fake ad-lib as well in other languages? He's been speaking French for a while now, but he's talking about doing his act in German. Haven't the German people suffered enough?
Andy Kindler
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My friend taught me this one. You take the heel of your hand, you can shove someone's nose right through their brain. I can't even watch someone blow their nose. If I'm in a fight, I'm not gonna be shoving or poking, I'm gonna be running or begging - that's my two choices, right there.
Andy Kindler
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Jewish people, we're repulsed by Hitler, but we're obsessed with him. If you ever want to rob a Jewish person's house, all you have to do is call them up and tell them there's a Hitler film festival down at the multiplex - watch them file out.
Andy Kindler
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You know, civil rights is great and everything, but a lot of people don't realize that plumbers in the South make less money than when they used to install separate drinking fountains.
Andy Kindler
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I don't know if it's the weather or what's going on - the summer or something like that - but recently I've been feeling extremely bisexual. I don't know what it is. I don't know what's going on, but I walked down the street and, suddenly, the ladies are looking awfully good to me.
Andy Kindler
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They shouldn't call anything a boot camp unless you're going off to war. Standup boot camp has been a fantastic thing, for the people putting it on. They keep you out in the woods and won't let you come back until you're funny. Lenny Bruce came up with his Religions Inc. bit on a day hike.
Andy Kindler