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CNN has a thing called You Choose the News. Y'know what CNN? I'm turning you on because I don't know the news. I was hoping you could help me.

Andy Kindler

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Andy Kindler
Age: 24
Born: 2000
Born: January 1
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Hoping
Turning
News
Choose
Called
Help
Helping
Thing

More quotes by Andy Kindler

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Alexander Graham Bell was the first person to ever sarcastically say hello. Hellooo, I invented the telephone!
Andy Kindler
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I was in Philadelphia - a very angry town, Philadelphia. I've never seen a town like this. It's supposed to be the City of Brotherly Love - like when my brother was 12 and I was nine, and he would lean on my shoulder and dangle spit in my face.
Andy Kindler
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Some of my inventions didn't take off. I invented a url lengthener.
Andy Kindler
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I don't like any nastiness on tv unless it's coming from me.
Andy Kindler
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My wife and I want to try swapping. We want to go to one of those key parties where you put your keys in a bowl. But we just want to upgrade our car.
Andy Kindler
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I don't believe in burning holy books, but I am organizing a protest. I'll be burning all my Dennis Miller VHS cassettes as a special protest. I don't want to hear the introduction 'you may have seen our next comedian on the Hannity show'.
Andy Kindler
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I do have insecurities. I don't know if you can tell. I'm not brimming with confidence.
Andy Kindler
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I don't think there's anything Craig Ferguson could say that would make me laugh. Ad-libbing is not the same as entertainment.
Andy Kindler
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Entertainment Weekly said that Parks and Rec is the smartest comedy on tv. Call me when it's the funniest.
Andy Kindler
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George Lopez does so much mugging, I'm surprised he's not up on charges.
Andy Kindler
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I have no sympathy for the people who went to Charlie Sheen's show and were disappointed. That didn't seem very organized! That guy's all over the map!
Andy Kindler
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Republicans are just rich, old, white people - that's all they are. You ever see the Republican National Convention? All white people - six black people: paid actors. James Earl Jones in his most difficult, challenging role! Tune in and attempt to watch him look pleased during a George Bush speech. And Clarence Thomas - as himself.
Andy Kindler
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The saddest day in Pixar history was when some guy said 'get Larry the Cable Guy on the phone.
Andy Kindler
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My cat's fully capable of speaking, but he says he's afraid of me turning it into a Kevin James vehicle.
Andy Kindler
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People are trying so hard to become famous. Johnny Marbles, he tried to throw a pie in Rupert Murdoch's face. What do I gotta do, give Sumner Redstone a wedgie?
Andy Kindler
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I'm on a show called Wizards of Wavery Place, and I like it, but I'm unable to convince my Tivo that I wouldn't also like iCarly.
Andy Kindler
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I noticed whenever you call information, 411, there's always a computer voice, and they go, 'What number would you like? City and state, please.' 'Yeah, I'd like the number of Macy's in Century City, California.' 'Did you say 'pretzel nuggets'?
Andy Kindler
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Now we have two choices in life: have sex with the same person forever or risk a terminal disease. Either way, your life is over.
Andy Kindler
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I'm Jewish... We're a very nervous group. Paranoid. Anxiety-ridden. Maybe that Hitler thing made us a little jumpy. Nothing like a Holocaust to make you mind your Ps and Qs for a couple hundred years I always say.
Andy Kindler
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Judah Friedlander, I'm ok with you being the world champion for a few years more. That's a hook with legs. But I think he should make one more hat, that says 'there's a limit to how funny words on a hat can be'. And then move to a chapeau.
Andy Kindler