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Now we have two choices in life: have sex with the same person forever or risk a terminal disease. Either way, your life is over.
Andy Kindler
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Andy Kindler
Age: 24
Born: 2000
Born: January 1
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Way
Disease
Life
Risk
Either
Choices
Forever
Two
Persons
Terminal
Person
Sex
More quotes by Andy Kindler
I don't really know what's wrong with Jay Leno. I don't have the training to make a professional diagnosis.
Andy Kindler
Jewish people, we don't believe in Hell or a future place to suffer. We're suffering right now. Every one of our holidays celebrates how much we've suffered. Passover - we're celebrating 5,000 years ago, God passed over our houses and murdered all the Egyptians. We're celebrating, 'Hey, thank God we didn't get slaughtered.
Andy Kindler
I'm sorry and ashamed to report that I'm not actually a Jew. I was pretending to be a Jew to minimize the holocaust.
Andy Kindler
Dave Rath is recovering. A month ago he had hip pocket replacement surgery.
Andy Kindler
Some of my inventions didn't take off. I invented a url lengthener.
Andy Kindler
If I don't believe in Jesus, maybe I don't believe in Hell. Did you ever think of that? You're so excited about it, why don't you go to Hell? It's your concept you invented it.
Andy Kindler
Jewish people, we're repulsed by Hitler, but we're obsessed with him. If you ever want to rob a Jewish person's house, all you have to do is call them up and tell them there's a Hitler film festival down at the multiplex - watch them file out.
Andy Kindler
Judah Friedlander, I'm ok with you being the world champion for a few years more. That's a hook with legs. But I think he should make one more hat, that says 'there's a limit to how funny words on a hat can be'. And then move to a chapeau.
Andy Kindler
I believe conspiracy theories are part of a larger conspiracy to distract us from the real conspiracy. String theory.
Andy Kindler
Entertainment Weekly said that Parks and Rec is the smartest comedy on tv. Call me when it's the funniest.
Andy Kindler
George Lopez has to get a physical comedy checkup every year to make sure his bulging eyes don't get out of control... Good news George... you are humor free! There's no sign of comedy anywhere in your blood stream.
Andy Kindler
I don't like any nastiness on tv unless it's coming from me.
Andy Kindler
I noticed when I was driving around that they changed the name of the Interborough Parkway to the Jackie Robinson Parkway. And the Interborough family is very upset about this.
Andy Kindler
I don't think there's anything Craig Ferguson could say that would make me laugh. Ad-libbing is not the same as entertainment.
Andy Kindler
Tracy Morgan apologizes for his homophobic rant, still no apologies for the sketch about the guy living under the street.
Andy Kindler
Maybe Bill Maher should just practice his monologue a few times before the show, so he wouldn't find it so hilarious. But I kid the asshole.
Andy Kindler
My friend taught me this one. You take the heel of your hand, you can shove someone's nose right through their brain. I can't even watch someone blow their nose. If I'm in a fight, I'm not gonna be shoving or poking, I'm gonna be running or begging - that's my two choices, right there.
Andy Kindler
I actually performed at an orthodox Jewish wedding, where the men were separated from the women, but they both came together to not enjoy what I was talking about.
Andy Kindler
Adam Carolla is like Hitler if Hitler wasn’t funny.
Andy Kindler
I get some acting jobs. I like it other than the constant slipping in and out of character.
Andy Kindler