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I'm on a show called Wizards of Wavery Place, and I like it, but I'm unable to convince my Tivo that I wouldn't also like iCarly.

Andy Kindler

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Andy Kindler
Age: 24
Born: 2000
Born: January 1
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Also
Wizards
Like
Unable
Convince
Wouldn
Called
Show
Shows
Place
Tivo

More quotes by Andy Kindler

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Kevin James is going to do a couple of specials. One's called It's Getting Muggy In Here.
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I watched Master Class with Lorne Michaels on OWN. How can somebody produce a sketch show and talk for an hour and not say something even slightly amusing, or sarcastic, or ironic, or interesting, or informative? 'My mission as a producer is to encourage creativity.' Mission accomplished.
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Alexander Graham Bell was the first person to ever sarcastically say hello. Hellooo, I invented the telephone!
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Jewish people, we don't believe in Hell or a future place to suffer. We're suffering right now. Every one of our holidays celebrates how much we've suffered. Passover - we're celebrating 5,000 years ago, God passed over our houses and murdered all the Egyptians. We're celebrating, 'Hey, thank God we didn't get slaughtered.
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I watched Anderson Cooper 360 for a year before I realized that the second hour was a repeat of the first. I just thought his reporting seemed familiar.
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I was in Philadelphia - a very angry town, Philadelphia. I've never seen a town like this. It's supposed to be the City of Brotherly Love - like when my brother was 12 and I was nine, and he would lean on my shoulder and dangle spit in my face.
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I don't remember much about my bar mitzvah. The only thing I remember - I killed! That's what I remembered. Nobody could follow me at my bar-mitzvah. It was over when I was done.
Andy Kindler
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Maybe Bill Maher should just practice his monologue a few times before the show, so he wouldn't find it so hilarious. But I kid the asshole.
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Comedy Central made their own awards show. They were named best comedy channel.
Andy Kindler
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My wife and I want to try swapping. We want to go to one of those key parties where you put your keys in a bowl. But we just want to upgrade our car.
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My friend taught me this one. You take the heel of your hand, you can shove someone's nose right through their brain. I can't even watch someone blow their nose. If I'm in a fight, I'm not gonna be shoving or poking, I'm gonna be running or begging - that's my two choices, right there.
Andy Kindler
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I noticed whenever you call information, 411, there's always a computer voice, and they go, 'What number would you like? City and state, please.' 'Yeah, I'd like the number of Macy's in Century City, California.' 'Did you say 'pretzel nuggets'?
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I was recently voted best standup never to win a major.
Andy Kindler
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Jewish people, we're repulsed by Hitler, but we're obsessed with him. If you ever want to rob a Jewish person's house, all you have to do is call them up and tell them there's a Hitler film festival down at the multiplex - watch them file out.
Andy Kindler
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BJ Novak gets the Perseverance Award for graduating from Harvard and being unemployed for the entire plane ride to Los Angeles.
Andy Kindler
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Larry the Cable Guy has signed a deal with Cracker Barrel. Not the store. He signed a deal with a barrel full of angry rednecks.
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People are trying so hard to become famous. Johnny Marbles, he tried to throw a pie in Rupert Murdoch's face. What do I gotta do, give Sumner Redstone a wedgie?
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Some of my inventions didn't take off. I invented a url lengthener.
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They shouldn't call anything a boot camp unless you're going off to war. Standup boot camp has been a fantastic thing, for the people putting it on. They keep you out in the woods and won't let you come back until you're funny. Lenny Bruce came up with his Religions Inc. bit on a day hike.
Andy Kindler
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I actually performed at an orthodox Jewish wedding, where the men were separated from the women, but they both came together to not enjoy what I was talking about.
Andy Kindler