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Twitter is currently valued at $8 billion, or $1 for every hour it has wasted.

Andy Borowitz

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Andy Borowitz
Age: 66
Born: 1958
Born: January 4
Author
Comedian
Journalist
Screenwriter
Writer
Shaker Heights
Ohio
Technology
Hours
Valued
Funny
Currently
Every
Wasted
Twitter
Billion
Billions
Hour

More quotes by Andy Borowitz

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As we go from Abraham Lincoln to Theodore Roosevelt to Mitt Romney, I now understand why the Republicans don't believe in evolution.
Andy Borowitz
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If you are friends with the wrong people, Google+ autocorrects them
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Other countries care for their mentally ill. Making them debate on TV is just cruel.
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Thanks to Facebook, I never forget the birthdays of people I don't really know.
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Weirdly, the people complaining about the healthcare website not working after three weeks were quiet about the Iraq war not working after eight years.
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Getting your news from Twitter is like asking a cat for directions.
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If its platform is any guide, the Republican party is staunchly pro-life until you are actually born.
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To mark the hundredth anniversary of the Titanic, the Republicans have nominated Mitt Romney.
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Xmas Trivia: Before it became a major shopping holiday, Christmas is believed to have had a religious meaning.
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Remember, no matter how hard your life is right now, it would be worse if a song by Chicago was playing.
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Every week Republicans are excited about a new candidate because the one they liked last week turned out to be a moron.
Andy Borowitz
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Thanks to the Internet, people we might have only suspected of being idiots can now give us ample evidence.
Andy Borowitz
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The only way to explain how some people dress for the airport is they think no one else will be there.
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Sarah Palin has decided not to run for President and go straight to the quitting part.
Andy Borowitz
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Rick Perry is qualified to be President in the same way that Olive Garden is qualified to be Italy.
Andy Borowitz
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NHPrimary Trivia: The Republican candidates have not spoken to a black person since Herman Cain dropped out.
Andy Borowitz
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US Airways made an $8 billion bid for Delta, including $4 billion in cash and $4 billion in lost luggage.
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The Republicans suddenly are very concerned about people losing their health coverage! I would believe that they were worried about our well-being if a) they didn't cut food stamps and b) they didn't oppose every law regulating guns.
Andy Borowitz
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It only cost Mitt Romney $76.6 million to defeat a serial adulterer and a mental patient in a sweater vest.
Andy Borowitz
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Now that we all agree contraception is a bad idea, let's take a harder look at electricity and soap.
Andy Borowitz