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Twitter is currently valued at $8 billion, or $1 for every hour it has wasted.

Andy Borowitz

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Andy Borowitz
Age: 66
Born: 1958
Born: January 4
Author
Comedian
Journalist
Screenwriter
Writer
Shaker Heights
Ohio
Wasted
Every
Twitter
Billion
Billions
Hour
Technology
Valued
Hours
Currently
Funny

More quotes by Andy Borowitz

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Welcome delegates to the 2012 Republican Convention! Remember to set your watches back 400 years.
Andy Borowitz
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If its platform is any guide, the Republican party is staunchly pro-life until you are actually born.
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A race between Perry and Christie would test whether Americans would rather be executed or eaten.
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NHPrimary Trivia: The Republican candidates have not spoken to a black person since Herman Cain dropped out.
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As we go from Abraham Lincoln to Theodore Roosevelt to Mitt Romney, I now understand why the Republicans don't believe in evolution.
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The separation of church and state has been a cornerstone of American democracy for over two hundred years. Getting rid of it was long overdue.
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Maybe I'm a dreamer, but I wish mental health care was as easy to get as, say, a gun.
Andy Borowitz
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Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Give a man Twitter, and he will forget to eat and starve to death.
Andy Borowitz
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Thanks to the Internet, people we might have only suspected of being idiots can now give us ample evidence.
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The baby Jesus was the last homeless person the Republicans liked.
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It used to be that people could be painfully boring in private. Facebook changed all that.
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Call me a dreamer, but I think it would be great if getting medical attention were as easy as getting a gun.
Andy Borowitz
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John Edwards is a tragic case of a man who ran for President when he should have joined the Secret Service.
Andy Borowitz
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Remember, no matter how hard your life is right now, it would be worse if a song by Chicago was playing.
Andy Borowitz
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If Mark Twain had had Twitter, he would have been amazing at it. But he probably wouldn't have gotten around to writing Huckleberry Finn.
Andy Borowitz
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You can return all the Christmas gifts you want, but you will never get back the time spent with your relatives.
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As popular as Christmas is, it would be even bigger if it had vampires.
Andy Borowitz
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Rick Perry is qualified to be President in the same way that Olive Garden is qualified to be Italy.
Andy Borowitz
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Sarah Palin has decided not to run for President and go straight to the quitting part.
Andy Borowitz
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Getting your news from Twitter is like asking a cat for directions.
Andy Borowitz