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Getting your news from Twitter is like asking a cat for directions.

Andy Borowitz

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Andy Borowitz
Age: 66
Born: 1958
Born: January 4
Author
Comedian
Journalist
Screenwriter
Writer
Shaker Heights
Ohio
Asking
News
Technology
Getting
Funny
Like
Directions
Twitter
Cat

More quotes by Andy Borowitz

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All Americans mourn the passing of the author of the Declaration of Independence, George Jefferson.
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As we go from Abraham Lincoln to Theodore Roosevelt to Mitt Romney, I now understand why the Republicans don't believe in evolution.
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Next time someone says, 'Where has big government ever gotten us?' the correct answer is 'Mars.'
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The baby Jesus was the last homeless person the Republicans liked.
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On July 4 we celebrate government of the people, by the people, and for the people, or as they are now called, corporations.
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The real news has gotten more surreal and absurd, and my fake news, if you want to call it that, has gotten more plausible. And at some point, those two trend lines crossed.
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It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
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Twitter is currently valued at $8 billion, or $1 for every hour it has wasted.
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Remember, no matter how hard your life is right now, it would be worse if a song by Chicago was playing.
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Facebook's new relationship status option: No longer able to interact with actual people
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The only way to explain how some people dress for the airport is they think no one else will be there.
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If its platform is any guide, the Republican party is staunchly pro-life until you are actually born.
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Maybe I'm a dreamer, but I wish mental health care was as easy to get as, say, a gun.
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Call me a dreamer, but I think it would be great if getting medical attention were as easy as getting a gun.
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Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Give a man Twitter, and he will forget to eat and starve to death.
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It used to be that people could be painfully boring in private. Facebook changed all that.
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Maybe this is crazy, but I think the right to own a gun is trumped by the right not to be shot by one.
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I've invented Twofacebook, the antisocial network. You start being friends w/entire world & defriend people one by one.
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Congress is furious at the Secret Service for consorting with hookers, which has traditionally been Congress's role.
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Other countries care for their mentally ill. Making them debate on TV is just cruel.
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