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Getting your news from Twitter is like asking a cat for directions.
Andy Borowitz
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Andy Borowitz
Age: 66
Born: 1958
Born: January 4
Author
Comedian
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Shaker Heights
Ohio
Technology
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Twitter
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More quotes by Andy Borowitz
Every week Republicans are excited about a new candidate because the one they liked last week turned out to be a moron.
Andy Borowitz
Weirdly, the people complaining about the healthcare website not working after three weeks were quiet about the Iraq war not working after eight years.
Andy Borowitz
Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Give a man Twitter, and he will forget to eat and starve to death.
Andy Borowitz
The separation of church and state has been a cornerstone of American democracy for over two hundred years. Getting rid of it was long overdue.
Andy Borowitz
Remember, no matter how hard your life is right now, it would be worse if a song by Chicago was playing.
Andy Borowitz
Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help.
Andy Borowitz
Call me a dreamer, but I think it would be great if getting medical attention were as easy as getting a gun.
Andy Borowitz
Didn't we settle contraception & affirmative action? If the GOP keep going backwards they'll soon be debating slavery.
Andy Borowitz
Christmas never would have caught on if it had been called Celebrate a Little Jew's Birthday.
Andy Borowitz
A race between Perry and Christie would test whether Americans would rather be executed or eaten.
Andy Borowitz
Michele Bachmann says God made the earthquake and hurricane to punish us. Untrue - he made Michele Bachmann for that.
Andy Borowitz
Welcome delegates to the 2012 Republican Convention! Remember to set your watches back 400 years.
Andy Borowitz
Sarah Palin has decided not to run for President and go straight to the quitting part.
Andy Borowitz
Now that we all agree contraception is a bad idea, let's take a harder look at electricity and soap.
Andy Borowitz
Cars will soon have the Internet on the dashboard. I worry that this will distract me from my texting.
Andy Borowitz
We invaded Afghanistan to find bin Laden. We found him in Pakistan, and we're still in Afghanistan. We need better GPS.
Andy Borowitz
It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
Andy Borowitz
I make the modest proposal that psychiatric care should be as easy to get as bullets at Wal-Mart.
Andy Borowitz
It only cost Mitt Romney $76.6 million to defeat a serial adulterer and a mental patient in a sweater vest.
Andy Borowitz
Twitter is currently valued at $8 billion, or $1 for every hour it has wasted.
Andy Borowitz
