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Getting your news from Twitter is like asking a cat for directions.

Andy Borowitz

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Andy Borowitz
Age: 66
Born: 1958
Born: January 4
Author
Comedian
Journalist
Screenwriter
Writer
Shaker Heights
Ohio
Like
Directions
Twitter
Cat
Asking
News
Technology
Getting
Funny

More quotes by Andy Borowitz

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NHPrimary Trivia: The Republican candidates have not spoken to a black person since Herman Cain dropped out.
Andy Borowitz
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Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.
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The separation of church and state has been a cornerstone of American democracy for over two hundred years. Getting rid of it was long overdue.
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Other countries care for their mentally ill. Making them debate on TV is just cruel.
Andy Borowitz
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Congress is furious at the Secret Service for consorting with hookers, which has traditionally been Congress's role.
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All Americans mourn the passing of the author of the Declaration of Independence, George Jefferson.
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If Mark Twain had had Twitter, he would have been amazing at it. But he probably wouldn't have gotten around to writing Huckleberry Finn.
Andy Borowitz
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I make the modest proposal that psychiatric care should be as easy to get as bullets at Wal-Mart.
Andy Borowitz
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If you are friends with the wrong people, Google+ autocorrects them
Andy Borowitz
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The Republicans suddenly are very concerned about people losing their health coverage! I would believe that they were worried about our well-being if a) they didn't cut food stamps and b) they didn't oppose every law regulating guns.
Andy Borowitz
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White House political adviser Karl Rove was one of Robert Novak's sources for the 2003 disclosure of a CIA operative's identity, according to a story published today in Duh magazine.
Andy Borowitz
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Maybe I'm a dreamer, but I wish mental health care was as easy to get as, say, a gun.
Andy Borowitz
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Welcome delegates to the 2012 Republican Convention! Remember to set your watches back 400 years.
Andy Borowitz
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Every week Republicans are excited about a new candidate because the one they liked last week turned out to be a moron.
Andy Borowitz
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It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
Andy Borowitz
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We invaded Afghanistan to find bin Laden. We found him in Pakistan, and we're still in Afghanistan. We need better GPS.
Andy Borowitz
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The hardest thing about life is that every now and then you have to do things so you have something to tweet about.
Andy Borowitz
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Call me a dreamer, but I think it would be great if getting medical attention were as easy as getting a gun.
Andy Borowitz
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Thanks to the Internet, people we might have only suspected of being idiots can now give us ample evidence.
Andy Borowitz
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Michele Bachmann says God made the earthquake and hurricane to punish us. Untrue - he made Michele Bachmann for that.
Andy Borowitz